NFL Playoff Picks

Not gonna lie, I'm not that into football anymore. Super Bowls aside, I don't think that I have watched a complete game of professional football in at least three years. If I watch games, I usually tune in during the middle and only watch parts of the game. I'll get to all of this later. Basically, for anyone expecting a prediction column, don't take my word for it because I know jack about the NFL.

I will make this prediction though:

If Indianapolis and Minnesota play each other in the Super Bowl, I will not watch.


Brett Favre and Peyton Manning might be my two lest favorite athletes in professional sports. You might be thinking why not anyone that validates hatred, like Michael Vick, Ron Artest, Barry Bonds, or Gilbert Arenas?

As odd as it sounds, I appreciate the hated athletes a lot because they make sports more entertaining. With the advent of Twitter accounts, we gets to see how crazy some of these athletes really are. They give writers opportunities to make jokes at, like when Bill Simmons posted a link to the dog jerseys on the Philadelphia Eagle's store following their signing of Michael Vick. Or like when I said that the Washington Wizards should go back to being the Washington Bullets after Arenas and fellow Wizard Javaris Crittenton pulled guns on each other in the locker room (I love tooting my own horn).

By the way, how is the Arenas story not the most fun thing in sports to read about right now? I'm disappointed that it's not covered more than it already is. First of all, two teammates pulled guns on each other in a locker room. IN A LOCKER ROOM! At an NBA arena where guidelines have been strict as hell since the Ron Artest melee back in 2005 (or what I like to call the 9/11 of sports, because everyone over reacted to the incident. Seriously, you cannot even have bottle caps on your bottles of soda. Did it really need to go that far?) You cannot write stuff like this. If two black players in a sports movie pull guns on each other in a locker room over a gambling debt (did I mention it was over a gambling debt? Once again, you cannot write this stuff), not only would people think to themselves "Woah buddy, this is so unrealistic, there is NO WAY two teammates would ever draw pistols on each other", but you would have a bunch of crybabies like Spike Lee calling the movie "racist", and it would draw a ton of controversy.

Secondly, Arenas has been joking about the entire situation on Twitter like it was nothing. Check this out for instance:

"why do people try to make me look bad...I CAN DO THAT ALL BY MY SELF lol and im out.. need to put sum jumps shots up"

"im confused about sum of the responds...people r twitting sayin i shouldnt be twitting right now and making to whats going on"

"theres a twitter jail..god damn..i dont wanna go to twitter if im facing real jail..lmao jk its a joke but it will be on espn tomorrow watch"

"i just got yelled at on new years becuz i was asked.whats my new years resolution and i said .im not gonna hav sex with fat chicks..shes 185"

(Alright, the last one had nothing to do with the situation. I just thought it was funny.)

Thirdly, the excuses keep piling up. It has been reported that Arenas said it was a "misguided attempt to play a joke", that Arenas kept guns in the locker room to keep them away from his kids, and I'm not sure where I read it, but I read somewhere that the two players wanted to compare guns.

How dumb do they think we are? Arenas said that he decided to store his guns at the arena because his wanted to keep the guns away from his children after his daughter was born in December. How the fuck is a baby going to find and operate a gun? Furthermore, was there no other option available besides and NBA arena to store firearms?

Arenas also claimed that it was a misguided attempt to play a joke. Here's the reason why I don't believe this lie: I love playing practical jokes. However, if I had the opportunity to prank someone by bringing unregistered firearms to a public place like a sports arena in effort to prank one of my teammates that may or may not be upset with me over a gambling debt, possibly face legal ramifications and jeopardize my nine-figure contract (an NBA team can shed a player's contract if he is convicted of a felony) in the process, I think even a ten year-old would say "you know? Not only would this not be that funny, but the benefits in no way outweigh the drawbacks". Once again, you cannot write this stuff.

I sometimes cannot fathom how dumb these athletes really are. The excuses are just unbelievable. Even if Arenas's excuses are true, the actions themselves are ungodly stupid and immature. Mind you these guys get paid millions of dollars.

Anyway, back to my NFL predictions.

I hate Bret Favre because he is a whiny little bitch and a fraud. Everyone always praises this guy for his love of the game and his willingness to win. Yeah? How about that time he forced a trade to the New York Jets so he could keep playing, only to not train with the Jets over the off-season and become self-absorbed during the season? Then he retires, then comes back because he is nothing but a little attention whore that only cares about himself.

If he loved the game of football so fucking bad, then why wouldn't he have just stayed in New York? Because the Jets suck ass, and the Vikings were a decent quarterback away from becoming a serious playoff contender. You think if Adrian Peterson had died in a car accident over the summer Bret Favre would have returned? Hell no. Favre doesn't love the game any more than I love sticking my dick in the exhaust of my car. He will only play football if the spotlight is on him and if he is winning games. What a bandwagon bitch.

And about Peyton Manning, to be honest, I don't have any rational reason for hating him. I just do. I cringe every time I see a Visa commercial with him in it, and cannot explain it. Something about Manning just rubs me the wrong way. It's sort of like when you go to your friend's graduation party, and one of their relatives tries really hard to win you over. Then the relative starts talking about his new religion and tries to sell you a book written by L Ron Hubbard, and you get the feeling that the guy and his "religion" are pretty shady. That's how I feel every time I see Peyton Manning. I feel like he's going to seduce me with his play making skills, only to find out that he had been stealing stuff from my house while I was watching him play football on TV. Alright I really don't know where this is going, I just hate Peyton Manning. And watching a Super Bowl featuring Peyton Manning squaring off against Bret Favre would be like having to vote between two Republican candidates for President of the United States. I hate both of them, and would hope somehow that both lose.

Now you're probably wondering why a big sports guy like me all of a sudden does not enjoy watching football anymore.

It's simple: football is pretty boring.

Football is entertaining to a point, but come on, do games really have to go for 3+ hours? I feel like every time I watch a football game that I wasted my entire day. Which is usually Sunday, meaning I wasted half my weekend watching nothing but teams run the play clock for 30 seconds every down, having every close play challenged or replayed, and countless commercial breaks. Sounds pretty fun to me.

Can you blame me though? For the past ten years, I have had the luxury of having the Detroit Lions as my team. It's not so much that they lose every season, but they're so boring. Every game they have tons of three-and-outs, and end up punting the ball. The only time they ever score is on field goals. I did adopt the New England Patriots and the Denver Broncos as my secondary teams, but they're not on TV all the time.

I also am tired of all the hype behind football. I cannot even watch Sports Center anymore because all they ever talk about is football. Even in May when hockey and basketball playoffs are in full swing, and baseball is just starting, I have to sit through fantasy reports and post-draft and pre-camp talk before they get to a segment on the NBA Playoffs. Who really likes football that much? People tell me that they enjoy football for the action and the hitting. If I wanted to see action, I would rent an action movie from the video store. Or I would go to the middle of Detroit and throw a half pint of vodka in the street to see how many homeless guys fight over it and/or get hit by cars.

Update (1-6-2010): Apparently the New York Post exaggerated the Gilbert Arenas story and him and Crittenton did NOT pull guns on each other. Rather, there is speculation that Arenas set three guns on the table and told Crittenton to pick one to shoot him in the knee with, because Crittenton jokingly threatened to shoot Arenas in his bad knee if he did not make good on his gambling debt. It was still a dumb move. And the story is still outrageous. Fuck it or not.