After following and unfollowing various sports figures over the years, I have come to discover that many athletes and former athletes are unbelievably boring. Here's what a typical athlete would tweet about on any ordinary day.
"About to take off for Houston! LOL"
"Just landed in Houston! LOL"
"Anyone in #Houston know of a good place to eat?"
"Heading out to a very expensive restaurant in Houston."
"Just ate at the restaurant. Pretty good food LOL"
It gets really fucking old quick. I don't give a damn how famous you are, I don't need to know every little fucking thing you do with your day. The only way it could get worse is if they tweeted about tying their shoes, or putting down the toilet seat after taking a piss. I know that certain athletes occasionally let out interesting tweets, like this one for instance
However, the funny and compelling tweets usually go viral, and I will find them via reposts on Facebook or Reddit, or in a sports article online. Thus, with the exception of a few Pistons and other NBA players, I don't follow any professional athletes, former athletes, coaches, or any other sports figure on Twitter.
Now, parody sports figures on the other hand, are a completely different animal. Parodies are usually anonymous, where the authors post humorous tweets as if they were the actual sports figure. I currently only follow three parodies on Twitter, each humorous in their own special way, and all of whom are favorites of mine. If you're into sports, I highly recommend at least checking these guys out if you're not going to follow them.
Tasteless? Perhaps. But I'm a sucker for tasteless humor. Nothing is ever too soon or off limits for me.
NotJoePa was launched immediately following the release of the Grand Jury Report on Jerry Sandusky, when it was discovered that Penn State head football coach, Joe Paterno, did virtually nothing after being told that his former defensive coordinator... well... we all know what happened. Here's a sample of some of NotJoePa's best tweets.
Hey reporters: What happens in the Penn State locker room stays in the Penn State locker room. For at least 8 years.
If you're going to give a kid a title like "ball boy", I mean, what do you expect?
Apparently I've got cancer. I guess this means God has some kind of problem with people who don't report child rapists.
CBS incorrectly reported my death? That's why you should never report anything. Even rape.
Those reports of me being dead were from five years ago, when I was on the sidelines "coaching".
Who is Jim Boeheim and why does he keep calling me?
He even retweets hate messages directed toward him.
your not funny at all dude, get a life and if its possible could you like kill yourself
If you're a fan for over-the-top, cruel comedy, I strongly suggest that you check out NotJoaPa's Twitter page. Fantastic time waster on a rainy day and during work.
Michael Jordan's Twitter is a very dry type of humor. While he does not talk much about sports or hoops, he does make the occasional basketball-related tweet:
Thinking about getting a tattoo. Maybe a basketball or possibly, a flaming basketball.
If I had a dollar for every dunk I ever did, I bet I would have alot of money.
Other tweets of his refer to his famous endorsements of various products.
I saw new messages on my answering machine. Its all one guy saying "They plump when you cook them". Real tired of this.
However, my favorite Jordan tweets are when he has deep, intellectual thoughts, often concluding with the words "really makes you think." These are especially funny if you actually picture Michael Jordan saying these thoughts as you read them.
A turtledove is real disappointing. I thought they were like those bird turtles in Mario.
Intresting how a club is both a Sandwitch, and a place to let loose. Makes you think.
Cant get to sleep. Thinking about what if horses and pigs learn to walk upright.
Eskimo's dont exist. You expect me to believe people live in a ice house? Get real.
I noticed that Homeless people smell real bad. So I hand them air fresheners when they ask for change.
I never understood why people tip, at a restaurant. I could go get my food from the cook if I felt like it.
I met a man who said he was Lebanese, which is weird, because can't only a woman be that?
Water is the worst. I dont know why I have to drink this tasteless garbage.
All cake isn't birthday cake, but all birthday cake is cake. Really makes you think.
Why do people travel all the way to the amazon to buy a Book? That sounds real costly.
And then there are these gems.
Which type of Indians are the ones that are always drunk?
I dont think those starving kids in Africa are really starving. Not with those giant bellies there not.
A boy just mooned me at a KFC. Weekends off to a bad start.
Waffles are like tiny tennis rackets. Some times I stick a sausage link in the side for a handle.
Do some people not know about deoderant? Walked by a man who smelled like a union.
My buddy and I are gonna start sharing these gems on Facebook
Notorious for coaching the Portland Jailblazers and running the Los Angeles Clippers into the ground, Dunleavy has been a rather easy target for scrutiny and jokes amongst NBA critics over the years. Naturally, someone made a Twitter parody for him. Dunleavy is more of a topical Twitter profile, mainly making sarcastic remarks on current events relating to sports.
Perry Jones is like an Adam Sandler movie: Even if he sucks, he's still going to make millions of dollars.
Why do teams interview Patrick Ewing to coach but not Dikembe Mutombo? Dikembe's postgame press conferences would be the best thing ever.
If the Heat sign Darko, they'll have 4 of the top 5 picks from the '03 draft on their roster. And Ray Allen, the top pick in the 1962 draft.
We should relax about Amar'e punching the extinguisher. It's probably one of those wacky Jewish rituals, like the chair thing at weddings.
David West in the huddle: "Coach, I'm shooting 70%." Vogel: "Just shut up and run this play where Collison takes an off-balance 20 footer."
Like I said, a lot of his tweets are based on current events, thus posting a lot of his gems would seem dated. NotMikeDunleavy is by far my favorite Twitter profile, and I recommend that any sports enthusiast follow him on Twitter.
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