Tubing ≠ Fun


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Over the last 24 months, along with this upcoming summer, several of my friends, my friend's friends, my girlfriend's friends, my relatives, and strangers at the mall have begged me to go tubing with them. Usually the conversation goes like this:

Asshole: "Hey bro, you wanna go tubing sometime this month?"
Genius: "Why would I want to do that?"
Asshole: "I dunno. Seems like fun. We could get a group of buds together, drink some beers, float down the river..."
Genius: "That sounds pretty lame"
Asshole: "No dude, tubing is sweet! You should definitely come out. The weather will be nice".

And before I know it I am roped into another boring adventure with my lame friends as we go tubing. When did tubing become the hip thing to do? I don't understand. It's like these morons think that the only way you can consume alcohol with friends is by floating slowly on a shallow river. I usually hear some retort like "Come on, we can enjoy the outdoors and the weather". Yeah? You can also drink beer in the woods with your friends while comparing dick sizes for two hours, it doesn't mean it's necessarily a good idea.

Every time I go tubing I end up with mosquito bites and a sunburn, which is complete bullshit. Then people tell me that I should have brought sunscreen and bug spray. What the fuck? Since when did drinking with your friends involve so many god damn obstacles? It's bad enough that I have to pay $20 to rent a tube, now I have to bring sunscreen AND bug spray? Drinking should not be this much of an inconvenience.

Seriously, there are hundreds of other places you can drink with your friends besides on a river that is probably polluted and full of fish shit. Here's a list of places that you can drink that are better and more fun than floating on water.

The bar
My house
My backyard
My bathroom
A baseball stadium
An amusement park
The library
The strip club
A college fraternity house (I know, I cannot believe I just admitted this either)
A pool at an apartment complex
Your local pre-school
Drive-in movies
Wyoming*
The zoo
A courtroom
Your daughter's closet
The beach
K-Mart


I have gotten hammered in and at all of the places mentioned above with friends in the past, and each time was better than any time I have ever wasted on tubing. This is a fad that just needs to go away. It's almost as bad as disc golf, except for disc golf usually takes place in public recreation areas where there are grills that you can make hamburgers on, along with several kids running around that you can also throw on the fire. Grilling up some patties while tubing is a pain in the ass. Well, unless you're tubing in the gulf of Mexico, then all you have to do it light a match.

*I read somewhere that it's against the law to go through Wyoming without being intoxicated. I wouldn't know, because Wyoming is the worst state in the country, thus I have never been there. I seriously don't know why we just don't fence off that state and send all of America's top criminals there as punishment. Sort of like in "Escape from New York".

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