The other day I noticed that my friend's wife was complaining on Facebook about how she did not know what to get her husband for Christmas. In honor of her concerns, as well as the holiday season, I have decided to make a top five list for gifts to get your man. As a man, I see myself as a reliable resource.
To start things off, getting your man things like tools or pants can be cliche, but also useful. The only thing that I discourage is getting stupid gag gifts that you may think is funny, but men typically do not enjoy all that much. Like this for example:
Who the fuck thinks that things like these will make decent presents? This might get a chuckle after he unwraps it, and that's being generous. Regardless, getting a gag giftt is stupid and not worth it. So cut it out ladies.
Here are the top five gifts to get your man for Christmas.
Nothing says "I have a penis" more than owning a shotgun. In fact, if I recall correctly, I one time read in an issue of "O" (Oprah's stupid magazine) that nothing gets a woman more wet than a man with a handlebar mustache holding a sawed off shotgun. The only thing that could get a woman more wet is if the man had a chain-saw for a hand, which is why Ash Williams from "Army of Darkness" is the manliest man ever. In fact, a shotgun would probably be my second weapon of choice the instant a zombie attack breaks. First would definitely be a metal face. Having a metal face makes it more difficult for zombies to eat your brains, and you could use it to head-but zombies to death, sort of like Kano's move in Mortal Kombat.
4)Ultimate Rambo Collection
If your boyfriend/husband does not already have Rambo, you should probably dump him because he either:
A) Dislikes Rambo, which makes him a total pussy
B) Is too poor to afford Rambo on DVD, which makes him a total loser
I was lucky enough to catch Rambo on Encore upon hitting puberty. Had I not, I'd probably be a virgin. There is no better bridge from boyhood to manhood than watching "First Blood". I loved it so much that I asked for the book "First Blood" for Christmas one year and got it from Rambo Clause, because there's no way that fatass sissy Santa was going to grow the balls to get me First Blood at age eight (which was the year I hit puberty).
Believe it or not, Rambo is actually more badass in the book than in any of the movies. There's one scene where these Vietnamese soldiers hold him captive as a POW, and they toss a poisonous snake into his hole to intimidate him. Rambo grabbed the snake, twisted the head off, ate the body raw, and escaped from the POW camp.
3)Motley Crue: Greatest Hits
If you've ever read Maddox's "The Alphabet of Manliness", you will know that heavy metal is the manliest genre of music. Since heavy metal is the manliest genre of music, and really the only genre worth listening to (unless you're listening to Eminem, because Eminem's music is basically the rap equivalent of metal), then the greatest band ever is Motley Crue, because they happened to be the greatest metal band ever.
Motley Crue is awesome based on the fact that their music covers are what rock n' roll is truly about: Sex, drugs, and violence. Whenever rock bands begin making songs about falling in love, they're basically telling their fans that "we have vaginas now". Men should never love anything. Except for killing terrorists, because killing terrorists is awesome.
Don't believe that Motley Crue is the greatest band of all time? Just ask God. Even God thinks that Motley Crue kicks ass. Back in 1986 Nikki Sixx, the bassists for the Crue, overdosed on heroin after a concert in London. He then floated up to heaven where he spoke to God, and God told him "listen Nikki, I love your band a lot, and I don't know if I can allow you to die yet. So I am going to pardon you from afterlife for now, and when you get back, I want you to make a song about this experience, for it will become the greatest song ever." Then Motley Crue made "Kickstart my Heart", which might be the greatest song of all time.
You're probably thinking "wait, nowhere in Nikki's recount of his overdose nor in the Bible does it say that God spoke to Nikki." You're right. God must have used one of those lasers from "Men In Black" to wipe Nikki's memory. And that story will probably be released in the New Testament II, after the apocalypse comes and the members of Motley Crue, Rambo, Jack Bauer, Bill Cowher, and John Conner team up to save the Universe. Then the Crue will morph into their younger selves and play a mega concert in front of the entire world, and a bunch of alien babes with thousands of tits on their bodies will striptease on flaming poles.
I love Motley Crue more than my family, and if they ever came to my house on Christmas, I would give them all of my presents.They deserve a holiday more than Jesus. Because they rock.
And no, I do not mean a "gag gift" like I recommended not to get before.
Technically, this is meant for the woman. Buy the gag, wrap it, and after he opens it tell him that you will promise to wear if for the next 365 days so he does not have to listen to all of your bitching, moaning, and nagging 24/7. You might be surprised at how much your man would enjoy a gift like this.
Since we're in the time of year where men break down and propose to their girlfriends by getting them engagement rings for Christmas, I think that the perfect gift in return would be for the woman to give their soon-to-be fiances a prenuptial agreement stating that the man would lose nothing in the divorce. After all, let's face facts: half the marriages in America end if divorce anyway. I have never liked those odds. All I'm saying is that if half of the airplanes in America crashed, I would appreciate it if the airline offered me a free parachute before I boarded the plane.