If you're gonna lie to your child, make sure to be politically correct


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What an insightful message: If you're going to propagate a lie to your children - You know, the very people that trust you more than anyone else on planet fucking earth - Make sure to do it in a way that doesn't lead to other children being disappointed by the same lie. Except I have a better idea:

Don't fucking lie to your children

Listen, I love Christmas just as much as anyone, but how is Santa Clause still a thing? Kids today have more access to information than ever. Hell, even the screenshot-in-discussion indicates that children are given iPads. So many kids today have iPads that parents are hiring therapists to ween them off their tablet addiction. So what's stopping a five year-old from hopping on Google to ask if Santa Clause is real? Even if you slap on the most stringent parental controls possible, chances are your kid has a friend that's willing to spill the beans. I should know, I spoiled the Santa lie for all of my classmates in first grade.

Further, taking credit for nice gifts, like a Playstation 4, for the sake of not hurting other children's feelings is stupid. Everyone should take credit for buying their kids awesome presents. Not to shield other children from disappointment over the idea that Santa Clause neglected them, I would take credit for the Playstation 4 because I spent hundreds of dollars on it. I'm not about to let some fictional fat piece of crap alpha male me in my house. It's not my fault that Santa's elves are getting outperformed by children in China. My kids will love me more than they love Santa, because I provide them with nicer gifts than Santa. Fuck Santa.

So take credit for that PS4 that you put under the tree. Because you earned it, and your child needs to know who's really in charge of Christmas. Your child needs to know the truth. If your child misbehaves like a jackass and dicks around in school, they need to know that they're going to be held accountable on December 25th when there isn't shit under the tree. Not because Santa was watching them year-round (which is creepy by the way, I don't want some old dude in the North Pole watching my kid), but because I'm the one that supplies the nicest presents, and I'm the one that can refuse to deliver on Christmas.

I want my kid to know that I bought the nicest presents. And I want my kid to know that Santa isn't real, and that I'm not a liar. That's much more important than shielding my neighbor's dumb kids from crying over not being able to play Little Big Planet.


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