My Tribute to Pawn Stars

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"Pawn Stars" is one of my favorite shows on television. I rank it somewhere between "South Park" and "Teen Mom 2". Speaking of which, "Teen Mom" has become such a fun show to watch, that MTV gave us treat by making a spinoff show hosted by Dr. Drew, where Dr. Drew shows all of the unseen clips from the season. In other words, the show is so brilliant, that even the garbage that was too boring to put on the regular show still found some airtime.

I wanted to make my own tribute to "Pawn Stars", because I love "Pawn Stars" so much that I started referring to the boys men on the show as the "Pawn Studs". I wanted to break down my interpretations of the show's premise and characters for anyone who has never seen an episode of "Pawn Stars", as well as a guide for those who adore the show but do not clearly understand it.

"Pawn Stars" is on every Monday night on History

"Pawn Stars" centers around Harrison family; Rick Harrison, Rick's son Corey (aka Big Hoss), and Rick's father, "The Old Man"; and their adventures at The Gold and Silver Pawn Shop in Las Vegas, Nevada. I must say that the show's premise is a bit ironic. It's on the History Channel, and focuses on describing the history of antiques and artifacts that are brought into the store. However, despite the fact that the store gets paid boatloads of money for being on TV, and has increased their clientele by over 1000%, the only thing that the characters truly care about is money on each item brought in. For instance, one time this guy brought in some gold bars from some old pirate ship. One of Rick's experts came in and appraised it for about $20,000 to $25 000. They even said that the gold alone is estimated around $12,000. And yet, the scheming bastards lowballed the customer to about $9,000, to which the customer stupidly gave it away.

Their negotiating techniques are really basic. They always have the person make an offer, to which they make a counteroffer at about 50-60%. Then they over-exaggerate the cons of buying the item."Come on! It's going to sit on the shelf for months! There aren't many collectors for this!", or "Although this document is signed by Thomas Jefferson, there is a rip in the corner and the paper is clearly not in mint condition", or "Chumlee like shiny ear rings. Chumlee eat big bowl everyday for breakfast".

The show is pretty simple: People bring in an item, someone comes in and describes the history and value of said item, the Harrison guys lowball the price until they get the price that they want, then the item is sold. Sometimes when nothing interesting is brought in, they make up drama within the store, which usually involves Big Hoss or Chumlee goofing off and The Old Man getting angry about it. What usually ends up happening is that Big Hoss fucks up a sale, costs the store a ton of money, to which The Old Man gives Big Hoss grunt work to do like washing his 1951 Cadillac or rolling the tobacco from all the used cigarette butts outside into new cigarettes for the store to sell to children.

I find it very interesting that aside from the customers, there are never any girls in the show. Are all of the main characters gay? Do they just have bad luck with women? Or is this their unexplained money issue? Perhaps they all have divorced wives they need to pay, or they spend all of their money on prostitutes. Or maybe Chumlee and The Old Man scared them all away years ago.

The show's strongest feature is the characters. Aside from the experts that frequently come in, the show has four main characters, all with their own distinct personality. I don't know any of these characters personally, nor can I find their true backstories, so I decided to write my own backstories based on my interpretations from watching the show.

Rick: Rick is part owner and manager of the store, and appears to be the only one without a nickname. His life mission is to make money and look like a hybrid between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vic Mackey.

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He sometimes wears a hat, which does not suit him one bit. He's also the only one that has a sense of humor, because I never see any of the other characters laugh or joke around with customers. Rick is my favorite character, and would allow him to sleep with my daughter if I had a daughter and she was old enough.

The Old Man: I am not kidding when people refer to him as "The Old Man". I don't even know what his real name is, nor do I care. I will just assume that whenever he fills out his taxes, he writes his first name as "The", his middle initial as "O", and his last name as "Man". That might seem sort of creepy to the IRS, who probably thinks it is some sort of moniker like "The O-Man", that the applicant is calling himself "The Omen". Anyways, the Old Man is only there for comic relief. Whenever something older than 100 years is brought in (like a gun or instrument from 1858), someone makes the same joke: "I know The Old Man over here enjoyed this as a kid".

The Old Man is always grumpy and yelling at people, mostly at Chumlee and Big Hoss. He seems to have a lot of pent up anger, like someone who regrets not beating his wife enough while it was still legal. Which by the way, do you think when domestic abuse cases started catching on in America that abusive husbands were thinking "Aw damn, I better get me some last minute shots before it's against the law here"?

Corey (aka Big Hoss): Big Hoss is the most disappointing character in the show. In the beginning, he always rides in on a big motorcycle as Rick describes him as "Big Hoss". I thought that he was going to be a big, tough redneck that shakes down children for lunch money and barks at old ladies. However, all he does is waste money on shit like hot air balloons only to get yelled at by The OId Man. In what universe does someone known as "Big Hoss" take shit from someone known as "The Old Man"? He's also very quiet, and probably eats more Double Whoppers in a day than most people eat in a lifetime.

Chumlee: I don't know if Chumlee is his real name or just a nickname. Anyways, Chumlee is always goofing off and making an ass out of himself. Whenever a customer brings in a ridiculously prized antique, Chumlee always says something stupid. I was actually surprised the other day when some old guy brought in a vintage Playboy Bunny suit from the 50's that Chumlee didn't say something like "Is that what the Easter Bunny wears? Is he gonna bring me chocolate this year?" Every time Chumlee is on TV, I am thankful that TV has not gone the extra step with 3D and added a smell feature, because I am pretty sure that Chumlee does not wear deodorant. I am also pretty sure that The Old Man and Rick have wanted to fire Chumlee numerous times, but do not want to face a discrimination lawsuit because of Chumlee's Down's Syndrome.

Chumlee provides the viewers of "Pawn Stars" with many lolz

"Pawn Studs" "Pawn Stars" is a great show for all ages, and I recommend anyone watch it as long as "16 and Pregnant" is not on at the same time. Because there is nothing that America loves more than watching pregnant teenagers.

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