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Zombie Unicorns

Flesh eating horses are terrifying enough, but when you equip them with a horn on top of that? Frightening. Especially considering that unicorns are supposed to be all colorful and sparkly. It's sort of like how Twilight portrays vampires: Usually vampires are supposed to be dark and horrifying, but Edward Cullen is all sparkly and feminine.

Also, what are the rules with zombie unicorns? Do they only go after regular unicorns, and are thus not a threat to humans at all? Do they have the ability to fly? Holy shit, the thought of all this is putting poo poo in my pants. If this scenario ever happens, we better hope that the Red Bull comes to the rescue.

That's right. I made a "Last Unicorn" reference.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Things women can do that men cannot:

Give birth
Look good with humongous breasts

Things men can do that women cannot:

Efficiently urinate while standing
Play sports that people want to watch
Be funny
Win a Presidential election

People that post pictures of their kids on Facebook

I don't mind people posting a couple pictures of their kids on Facebook. But dear God, don't do it excessively, people. The same applies to YouTube, Twitter, and other forms of social media. It's not so much that it's annoying and shows that you don't really have a life outside of your kids (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you have kids, they should be your number one priority). This is the reason why I have a problem with people posting pictures of their kids on the Internet:

Your kids have zero say in the matter.

Isn't this a little hypocritical? Most people won't allow their kids on Facebook, but will post pictures and videos of them for the world to see. It'd be naive to think that there aren't companies and people that could easily steal these said pictures of your kids to exploit them. For instance, say you post a YouTube video or pictures of your cute kid wearing a Nike shirt or eating McDonalds. Who's to say that those companies won't use that content to promote their product?

Or say there's a picture of your kid being stupid, doing something clumsy, or being ugly. Say it goes viral, and your kid faces scrutiny amongst his peers at school, or later in life. All because you wanted to show the world how cute your offspring is, when the reality is that people could not care less about your stupid kid. Is that really fair to your child?

Not to mention all of the sick pedophiles out there that might get off on seeing pictures of your kids. I'm serious. What if the wrong person in your neighborhood sees that you have cute children, finds out where you live, and tries to kidnap them? Sure, it's all fun posting pictures and videos of your kids for your family. But imagine how much fun it will be trying to find your kid, and having to pay for therapy and having them deal with the trauma for the rest of their lives. Really makes you think.

People pretending to ask for help/advice on facebook, when everybody damn well knows they aren't going to use any of it.

I'm going to take this in a different direction. Why? Because it's my website, and I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Am I the only one who finds it amusing whenever a girl gets her heartbroken, and as a result posts bipolar status updates for the following few months? One day, they'll talk about how depressed and lonely they are. The next day, they will tell the world that they are so over it, happier than ever, and don't need a man to be happy. One minute it's emotional song lyrics, the next minute it's an empowering quote from Marilyn Monroe. The only thing that's consistent is the posting of candid pictures in attempt to make their previous lover jealous, while receiving a bunch of likes and comments from other dudes.

The same usually goes for guys, but in a more subtle way. Men won't say they're happier, but they'll definitely brag about how they're going out with their boys, and check-in everywhere they go to make themselves appear happier. And of course, men too post emotional song lyrics or music videos via YouTube from time to time.

People - I understand that breakups and rejection can be difficult. However, the best way to handle rejection on Facebook is by not "handling" it at all. Shut the fuck up. When you put your personal feelings and business out there for everyone to see, you look vulnerable and desperate, the two last labels anyone needs. Aside from your close friends and loved ones, you don't want people to know how you feel. You want to be mysterious, and keep people curious.

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