MySpace is Dead

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MySpace is deader than dead. It's not only dead, but it's the uncool-kid-at-school-that-died-in-a-car-accident-and-nobody-noticed dead. Like it's bad enough that it's not alive anymore, but then nobody attended the funeral. And two weeks afterward when people bring MySpace up in a general conversation, everybody gets confused and tries guess what the hell MySpace is. MySpace? Wasn't Myspace that knock-off Chucky Cheese franchise? Was it that book of advice for college grads looking to purchase their own home? Was it that really shitty boy band from 2003 that would have hit it big had they just came out in 1999?

No, no, and no. For those of you who do not know what MySpace is anymore, MySpace was this social networking site that was really hip in 2005 until some douche bag named Mark Zuckerberg decided that it wasn't. Then everybody fled MySpace as if it was a nuclear power plan having a meltdown. In fact, that's what their new slogan should be:

MySpace: The Chernobyl of the Internet

There is really only one reason why I still have a MySpace. It's because it's the only way I can really keep up with my brother, who for some reason cannot seem to come around to Facebook. It's not even worth it to promote my stand-up anymore, considering that the only friends that I have are other amateur comics and musicians.

Here is how I found out that MySpace is officially dead: I created my page two years ago, right when I got into comedy. Right now, my page has 712 hits. I started my website last October. Right now, it has 1780 hits.

Does anybody even check MySpace anymore? I mean real people. Not attention whores who are trying to sell music and get stage time. Not some dive of a bar trying to send out their weekly drink specials. I'm talking about the lonely 46 yearold looking for poon in their area. The Starbucks employee who listens to Radiohead. The single mother who wants to show the world her stupid kids. The teenage girl in high school who is getting stalked by 46 yearolds in her area. Oh wait, I guess those people mentioned aren't real either.

It's not so much that I'm a Facebook homer, but Facebook has sucked all of the life out of MySpace. Which is understandable, because Facebook isn't run by idiots who don't know how to give users what they want. I know that MySpace needs to sell advertising, but holy shit, do they really need to cover 30% of the page with 60 different flash ads? Does every other ad need to contain some video clip? Does every page need to have a song that plays when you click it? I have music already on my computer, I don't need to hear a different song every damn time I view someone's page.

In fact, that's why I never go to MySpace anymore. Checking people's profiles was an inconvenience to me. Here I am listening to a great band like Iron Maiden and casually instant messaging friends, then I check a page from a friend request to have my computer slow down like it's having and asthma attack with some awful indy band playing over "Paradise City".

This is why I don't understand why people bitch so much when Facebook makes changes. I remember back when they totally remodeled Facebook so that users would not have to wait for all 77 applications on a page to load (that's right, I had 77 applications on my profile just to piss people off. It took some people 10 minutes to load my page). Everyone on Facebook threw a tantrum, creating groups like "Bring the Old Facebook back!", when in fact Facebook was saving social networking.

While I'm on the subject, Facebook isn't perfect either. You know who I hate? Well, besides the man who plays Bella in "Twilight". I hate people that send me hundreds of cause invitations on Facebook, like having something on page say "Kirk supports breast cancer research" is really going to make a difference. Joining a Facebook group or cause doesn't make you a hero, and you probably don't deserve working legs if you think that you are changing the world by creating and/or joining stupid causes. Cut that shit out.

I'm also tired of getting invited to groups like "If this group reaches 2,000 my girlfriend will marry me." Any girl who needs the approval of 2,000 people to marry some douche bag probably isn't worth being with in the first place. And any guy who makes a Facebook group in hopes that his stupid girlfriend will breakdown and marry him is probably going to get dumped eventually. Meanwhile, everybody (including me) gets their fucking inbox loaded with invites to the group. Everybody loses.

The event invitation is its' own category of bullshit. How come every time I choose "Not Attending" on the event, and remove the event from my inbox entirely, I still get notices for the event? It's almost like when I cancel a magazine subscription, and still get coupons and sales in the mail to upgrade and renew my subscription. This wouldn't normally piss me off, but almost every event has some arrogant creator who has to send out reminders to everyone to come to the event. Listen, if you're guilty of doing this, think about this next time your create a stupid event:

If you're event doesn't suck, then you wouldn't have to send out reminders.

And then after the event is over, I get MORE mail in my inbox from the assholes sending out thank you notices to everyone who came. Can people cut that shit out already?

Another thing, I don't want to play Mafia Wars or Farmville. Not now, and not ever. I could really go without requests to play those games. I have better things to do than to sit around all day and play games on Facebook. If I wanted to play a game, I would go play it on something made from Nintendo; a company that prides itself on making games rather than Facebook; a social networking company that happens to make shitty games. Besides, the losers that play Mafia Wars are the same people who tell me that "Two and a Half Men" is a good show (it's not), and the next person to ask me to play Mafia Wars will get my foot up their ass.

In fact, let's make that a Facebook group. For every two people who join this group, I will punch a dumbass who wastes time playing Mafia Wars or Farmville. Better yet, make it a cause: "Beat the shit out of morons that play social networking games on Facebook and invite everybody to be as miserable as them". I would not only join that cause, I would participate to my fullest, unlike all of the other fake assholes that join causes.

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