"Kick Ass" Review

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The girl in the photo above is Hit Girl, a supporting character in the new film "Kick Ass". She is my new hero. Never before have I watched a movie and waited anxiously to see an 11 year-old girl more and more. And I have a huge appreciation for female badasses. Ripley got the ball roling back in the 70's in "Alien", then Sarah Conner carried the torch during the 80's and 90's before Black Mamba took it to an entire new level in "Kill Bill" last decade.

But holy fuck, an 11 year-old girl beating ass? Usually female kids are boring and annoying, as seen with stupid movies like "Monkey Trouble", "The Parent Trap", "Harriet the Spy", and all 4,321,592,352,145,257,953,139 Olsen Twin movies. Then you see Hit Girl and the amount of ass she beats to the point where you might think twice about talking shit to a preteen girl.

It would be nice to see a movie where Hit Girl beat the periods out of these two little shits

If you haven't figured it out yet, "Kick Ass" was an amazing movie. And you are wasting your time reading this review if you still have not seen it. What the fuck are you doing? Go. I'm not that important or entertaining, and my opinions on things don't matter to begin with. Even if you are not a fan of comicbook, high school, or action movies, you should see "Kick Ass" based on the following reason alone:

Whenever an adult male, who is not a pedophile, craves to see more of an 11 year-old girl in a movie, chances are the movie is pretty fucking awesome.

The movie is about this average dork who is jealous of everyone in high school because he is a total loser. He is not tough, athletic, smart, funny, or good looking enough to be a cool kid that gets babes, yet he is not weak, nerdy, depressed, or handicapped enough to get sympathy from other people. So he decides to buy a scuba diving suit so that he can become a vigilante, calling himself Kick Ass, in hopes of getting popular. It's one of those high school movies that follows the geeky kid without being overly cliche.

Although the movie revolves around Kick Ass, I found myself more interested with the plot involving Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage) and Hit Girl. Basically, this ex-cop is a single parent of an 11 year-old girl because the mafia framed him years ago. He was imprisoned for five years as a result, which also lead to his pregnant wife committing suicide. So when he got out, he trained himself and his daughter to become total badasses in effort to take down the mafia that framed him in the first place. 2010 Father of the Year goes to: Big Daddy.

After Kick Ass gets all of this attention on MySpace and YouTube, Big Daddy, Hit Girl, and everyone else wants to be a super hero. This results in a new and stupid hero that calls himself Red Mist, who so happens to be the son of the mafia head. He becomes a hero because he's a douche bag and wants to gain the trust of the other three heroes so that the mafia can eliminate them so that they can keep a stranglehold over the city. To be honest, I was totally glad that Red Mist turned out to be a bad guy. His character was one of those smug pussies who thinks he is hot shit just because his parents are rich, when in reality he was a total pussy. I have never wanted to see someone get their shit fucked so hard until I saw Red Mist. Even his costume made me want to choke a baby.

Red Mist is a total chump

I really don't know what else I have to say to convince people to see "Kick Ass". Whenever a movie is titled "Kick Ass", it's probably either one of those stupid parody films of action movies (ie "Meet the Spartans"), or it's a film that involves tons of ass kicking. The cinematography was intriguing, Nicholas Cage was surprisingly solid, and watching a bunch of thugs get their asses handed to them by Hit Girl was just as entertaining as watching a 40 year-old man kick an 11 year-old girl in the fucking face. How many times are you going to see little kids get their asses beat and ruin shit in the same movie movie? Hell, you never see kids get their asses beat in movies to begin with. That sort of stuff is only available on YouTube. It almost reminds me of that one time my buddy showed me this clip, and I did not stop laughing for months.

Part of me did not want to write a review because I have never read the comicbook series, and I did not want to do the series injustice in case some fat comicbook nerd read this and sent me an email complaining about how the movie was bad because it did not portray the true story. Then my friend told me that the movie was better than the comic, and that despite the fact that the movie left room open for a sequel that "Kick Ass" probably won't bank enough money to inspire another sequel.

Which is why I am writing this review: I want to see Hit Girl beat some more ass. After all, people always ask for small increments of money for all sorts of things like breast cancer research, hurricane recovery funds, earthquake recovery funds, cures for AIDS, treatments for little kids that are dying in the hospital, starving families in third world countries, etc. I am basically asking you as a favor to me to pay to see "Kick Ass" in the theater, so that the studio will think that it was a hit and make another movie. What's the worst that can happen? You spend $15 dollars on a date with a prude bitch that won't put out, you enjoy the movie, never hear from her again, and you have trouble sleeping at night because you are in such disbelief at how awesome of a movie you just saw. Then you will get to see a sequel in three years. And all it costed you was $15 and two hours of your time. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Who wouldn't want to see more of this girl kicking ass?

Still don't want to see it? Check out the trailer...

Man that pumps me up. I'm pretty sure that I am going to check this out four or five more times. What an awesome movie.