Can someone please shut Gwyneth Paltrow's face?

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Listen, I love Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but can we stop giving this lunatic attention already? Okay Gwyneth, you're a great actress and look absolutely stunning. You've made quite the living for yourself and you should be proud of your accomplishments. But please spare everyone your bullshit. For real, people constantly bitch and moan about female celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, yet Gwyneth Paltrow keeps ending up on the news with her shenanigans and nobody says a peep about it. She steamed my blood enough when she suggested that we should give President Barack Obama the power to do whatever he wants, but now she's taking up the grueling challenge of surviving off of a food stamp budget in her beautiful, heated New York home in response to Mario Batali's proposal.

Thanks for the condescending mission, Batali. I didn't know that being poor was some sort of game that rich people play so that they could prop themselves up as martyrs for the sake of "spreading awareness". Spreading awareness for what? The fact that a handful of people receive food stamps and bridge cards, which apparently, to you morons, isn't enough? Can it already. There was a time in my life when I had to survive off of a $20 weekly food budget for about six weeks. That was more than enough for a weeks worth of pasta, hot dogs, and PB&Js. I didn't do it as a challenge, I did it because that's all I could afford. Rather than going around crying about how I wasn't living comfortably enough, I was more so thankful that I was blessed with the luxury of growing up in a developed country where food is easily accessible. The last thing I wanted to do was advertise my food budget by tweeting pictures of my groceries, because quite frankly it's embarrassing. I really don't care to hear what Gwyneth Paltrow's thoughts on food stamp budgets are, especially when she blows her budget on garbage like this.

First, I would like to point out that I went to Safeway's website, looked up the price for each product, and found that Gwyneth's calculations are off by about $5, which is roughly 17%. 17% is a pretty big lie if you ask me. If I were to buy a car with an estimated gas milage of 29 MPG, and found out it was actually 24 MPG after purchasing it, I would be pretty pissed off. Secondly, who is Paltrow trying to feed, a human being or a rabbit? Why would someone on a small budget waste money on so much light food? People can't survive off of a bag of limes, dumbass. Beggars can't be choosers. If you can only afford $30 worth of groceries, then it's time to cut the vegan shit out and start eating real food with actual substance, i.e. meat. If you're really going to value the lives of chickens and cows more than your own, then you might as well kill yourself. It's really disingenuous to sympathetically post an unfulfilling seven day food ration when you're unwilling to eat actual food. That's like buying a house in Alaska and saying "Alright, I'm only using solar power. Fossil fuels and nuclear energy are bad for the environment." and then bitching about how you don't have electricity when it goes dark for three months out of the year.

To further illustrate how full of shit Paltrow is, I decided to take a trip to Ralphs and see what I could gather on a $29 budget. I managed to pile all of this in my cart for a grand total of $28.68.

That's 9.6 pounds of ham (9200 calories), 10 pounds of potatoes (3500 calories), 7 pounds of pasta (7300 calories), 12 eggs (840 calories), and 3 pounds of bananas (1157 calories) - Totaling to just under 22,000 calories before counting the salt, oil, and brown sugar (which I only bought so I didn't receive comments from crybabies bitching about an unflavored ham). 22,000 / 7 = 3142 calories per day - WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FUCKING CALORIES FOR ONE HUMAN BEING. I myself try to keep it around 2000 per day, which would make my diet around 14000-16000 per week. I also found boxes of macaroni and cheese for a dollar a box, a loaf of bread for $1.29, and countless other affordable items. So I don't really have the patience, nor sympathy, for spoiled brats who can't figure out how to shop on a $29 budget.

Seriously, how long would this woman last in caveman days? 15 minutes? I can only imagine a hungry group of Cro-Magnon men going out to retrieve food for the tribe, then bringing home a bunch of meat from an antelope they spent all day slaughtering, only for an ungrateful hag like Gwyneth Paltrow to say "That poor antelope! I can't eat this! Can't you guys find me some gluten free-" only to be interrupted by the back of the Chief's hand before shriveling up and dying four days later from self-inflicted starvation, leading to this awkward exchange between the Chief and Paltrow's son.

Boy: "What's wrong with mommy?"
Chief: "I'm afraid she's suffering from stupidity."
Boy: "What's that?"
Chief: "It's when a person makes choices based on emotion rather than logic."
Boy: "Wow, what a dumb bitch."
Chief: "You've learned well, my child."

Surviving off of $30 a week - While very doable - is a waste of time. I should know, I've survived on less. Why would anybody waste precious days of their lives eating on a minimal budget when they don't have to? "Spreading awareness" is the worst form of activism. It gives lazy people a false sense of fulfillment when they didn't actually accomplish anything. Here's an idea: If you know someone that's struggling to buy food, encourage them to work harder and spend wiser. Encourage them to live a better life, and if they're a good person who happens to be the victim of bad circumstances, then help them out. Then give them money. Then maybe spread awareness and try to get others to help the poor person out. If one of my friends tried to help me out during hard times by living by my standards, I would tell them to stop being an idiot and enjoy their life. My problems aren't anyone else's problems. The thought of people sacrificing their of way of life simply because I'm "suffering" makes me want to swallow a bowl of glass.

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