Relationships are for Suckers

Home   E-mail


My question about relationships: are they really worth it?

I have a ton of friends that are total pussies. They spend all of their time listening to indy-rock music and checking their fantasy football team and all of a sudden they run into some semi-unattractive girl that for some reason is turned on by their nerdiness. No, nerdiness isn't a real word, but I will use it anyways. Anybody who cannot decipher what nerdiness could possibly mean should probably put down their $8 Starbuck's beverage and pull their head out of their ass and realize that drinking expensive coffee doesn't make you better than everyone else.

Oh yeah, back to my pussy friends. They suddenly "fall in love" and have to bring their stupid girlfriends around everywhere they go, and expect me to change my behavior to appease their new girlfriend master. I don't get it, how does having a girlfriend that tries to control everything you do make your happier?

I have lost countless friends to Pussy Whipped Syndrome (PWS). After their master convinces them that I am a bad influence and to stop hanging out with me, they give up on their aspirations in life to be with the love of their life. Whether it be going away to school, playing on a sports team, playing in a rock band, doing stand-up, or anything else that may lead to a man succeeding in life, the PWS victim has to ruin his life to better his master's. This also consists of canceling plans (I have had friends turn me down for live sporting events because they had to be with a bitch), ruining life-long friendships, spending money, and ignoring any sort of job and/or school work.

Then they don't shut up about their stupid girlfriend. In fact, this is what probably pisses me off most. I'm sure we have all met some douche bag that always talks about his girlfriend, and even though you know the girl's name and everything about her, he only refers to her as "his girlfriend" just to remind us all that he in fact has a girlfriend. Here's a conversation I had not too long ago with some of my friends:

Me: So the other day I saw a butterfly floating around and out of nowhere a chipmunk ran out of the bushes, snatched the butterfly out of the air, and ate it!
Friend: That's awesome!
Me: I know!
Douche Bag: Yeah, it's almost like that one time my girlfriend and I were at the mall because I had to buy her things, because she's my girlfriend, and she was eating a yogurt and
Friend: (yawn)
Douche Bag: she totally dropped it, and it landed right-side up!
Me: That is sooooooo interesting!
Douche Bag: I know! Then someone laughed and I was like "hey man, that's my girlfriend." Man, I love my girlfriend.
Me: You know, you can refer to her as Ashley. We have known her longer than you.
Douche Bag: Hey, she's my girlfriend!
Friend: Also, the gel makes your hair look like shit.

I don't buy into all of this "falling in love" crap either. I believe that my entire generation was raised on stupid sitcoms, movies, and after school specials that spoon fed us some bullshit idea that finding the right person is the key to happiness. So now every guy is a total yes-man that tries to find a bitch to marry before he's 24. How do I know? I used to be that guy. I watched all of the Boy Meets Worlds, Step-by-Steps, Saved by the Bells, on top of a bunch of other garbage that lead me to believe that being the nice guy would eventually land you the love of your life. It doesn't. In fact, being an asshole gets you more poon than anything, and falling in love doesn't make you any more happy than you already are.

I firmly believe that, for a guy, finding a girlfriend is a lot like buying a used car. They go a long time without driving, so they finally find one that is good for them. At first, they ignore all of the minor flaws: perhaps a leaky engine, broken tail light, a weak battery, etc. Like that of a girlfriend, the girl may be needy, controlling, and have an annoying family. The car is great for the first six months, then the guy discovers how much of a pain in the ass owning a used car can be with all of the maintenance costs and inconvenient breakdowns. However, he puts up with the bullshit because he is stubborn an wants to make it work. And after about two years when the car really goes to shit, he cannot handle it anymore and finally gets rid of it. Just like a girlfriend.

"But Kirk, how do you expect do get laid?"

You don't have to be in a relationship to have sex. The notion that you have to be committed to someone in order to have sex is stupid. Yes, I guess it may be convenient to always have a vagina there for you, but it's not worth the cost of suffering from PWS and all of the other drawbacks of being in a commitment. Besides, what about all of the girls that

- Don't put out often
- Are terrible in bed
- Have STD's
- Have a loose vagina
- Want babies/don't use birth control
- Want to wait until marriage
- Are unbearable to look at naked

Sorry ladies. Not all of you are perfect, and not all of you have the magic vagina that is worth having after putting up with all of your drama. If I have to spend money on you in order to have sex with you, quite frankly, I would rather spend it on a professional that knows what she's doing. Some may argue that I might get STD's that way, and that having a girlfriend will prevent that. Yeah? Tell that to Silda Spitzer. I'm pretty sure that she thought she was safe from STD's every night she went to bed with her loyal and faithful husband.


Share on Facebook

E-mail

Home