I'm Tired of Fireworks on Fourth of July

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I find it pretty ridiculous that conservatives and ignorant people across America always preach to buy American made products and resources and refuse Asian imports (most notably auto mobiles) in fear that China may "take over" as the world's most powerful nation. And yet, nobody says a fucking thing when year after year people in this country spend hundreds of millions (if not billions) of dollars on fireworks that are produced in Asian countries to celebrate the Fourth of July.

Not only is it hypocritical, but it's ass backwards hypocritical. Japanese auto companies (most notably Honda and Toyota) have made reliable and fuel efficient cars for years. Why shouldn't Americans buy cars that are dependable and fuel efficient? And also, if anything needs to change, it's the way Americans celebrate the Fourth of July: with fireworks shows.

Fireworks are boring and a shitty way to celebrate holidays. And before you jump on your soapbox and scream at me, let me explain that it's not my fault. My parents raised me on "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers". After seeing hundreds of Mega Zord battles and badass fight choreography (coincidentally, another Japanese import), it's gonna take a hell of a lot more than some colorful explosions to keep me entertained. That would be like if you spent twenty years watching hardcore internet pornography and then hooked up with a girl that only wants to do missionary. Sure, it's fun for a while. But at the end of the day, you'll be disappointed and want to move on.

Even George Washington would be disappointed in how Americans celebrate Independence Day

The celebration of most holidays evolve with people as they get older. Fourth of July is disappointingly one of those exceptions. Let's take a look at how we celebrate holidays as kids in comparison to adults:


As a kid: You get into costume and spend the night getting candy from strangers
As an adult: You get into costume, get drunk, and sleep with skanks


As a kid: You make cookies, decorate trees, and open presents
As an adult: You go to the office party at your work, get drunk, and sleep with skanks


As a kid: You read stories about how Pilgrims and Indians played grab ass, watch football, and then eat a feast with your family
As an adult: You go to a parade, get drunk, and sleep with skanks

Fourth of July:

As a kid: You sit on a blanket eating overpriced cotton candy, watch fireworks, and then sit in traffic for an hour on the way home
As an adult: You sit on a blanket eating overpriced popcorn, watch fireworks, and sit in traffic for an hour as you drive home.

I celebrate the Fourth of July at age 25 the same way I did when I was seven, which is absurd. The only other things that I do now that I did at age seven is eat, sleep, and shit. In other words, the way we celebrate the Fourth of July needs to change because it's fucking stagnent. Every time I leave a fireworks show, I think to myself "man, that probably would have been a lot more fun had I gotten drunk and slept with skanks". When I was seven years old, I wore underwear with cartoons on them aspired to become a garbage man when I grew up. I grew out of both of those phases, and now have grown out of fireworks shows.

With all of that said, I leave you with this.

Happy Birthday America!

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