Easter is Bullshit

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Easter is the worst holiday that everyone celebrates. When I was a kid, nobody ever explained to me why we celebrated Easter. All I knew was that on some random spring day my mom would wake me up and give me a chocolate Easter Bunny, then she would make my sister and I look for plastic eggs with candy inside them. What the fuck am I celebrating, childhood obesity?

The chocolate Easter Bunny craze has gotten out of control. Chocolate Easter bunnies are pretty simple: Craft a bunny out of some chocolate, put a couple of eyes on it, package, sell. But no, now we have themed chocolate Easter Bunnies like this piece of shit.

Since when is Easter synonymous with being a douche bag/total slut?

The Easter Bunny has to be the worst mascot/superstitious childhood figure ever. At least Santa Clause and the Tooth Ferry are based on people, you can sell those assholes to a five year-old with a limitless imagination. Adults everywhere would ask me "are you excited for the Easter Bunny to bring you eggs and candy this year?" as if I was retarded. I never believed in the Easter Bunny. Even when the Easter Bunny came into Hardy's when i was a kid, I clearly saw a face through the eyes of the suit. I spent the rest of the afternoon arguing with the idiots in my daycare about whether or not that damned rabbit was real.

Also, what's with the coloring of Easter Eggs? It always pissed me off when adults would hard boil the eggs before coloring, because hard boiled eggs don't make nearly as much of a mess when I throw them at people's houses. Even if I wanted to eat the eggs, I always had to color them first, which was bullshit. Forget the fact that coloring the egg gives it a sour vinegar taste, imagine if you were hungry and wanted to eat something, and were told that you had to color the food first. Would you not deliver a punch to that person's crotch?

Another thing that pisses me off about Easter is the fact that it's the only holiday that has no consistency on the calendar. I don't care that Easter is decided on the lunisolar calendar, we use the Gregorian Calendar. Every other holiday is consistent: New Year's always falls on January 1st, St. Patrick's Day is always March 17th, Independence Day is always July 4th, Thanksgiving is always the last Thursday in November*, Memorial Day is always the last Monday is May, and so on.

The only reason why Easter is not on a set calendar date is to inconvenience me. I hate it when I need to make plans during the spring and have to look up which day Easter is going to fall just so that I don't have any conflicts with anyone in my family or anyone else's family. It's so fucking asinine, just make it the second Sunday in April or something. After all, we live in America, a country where nobody can figure out the metric system. We live in a time where scientists can decide that Pluto is no longer a planet, and that the Southern Ocean is now the fifth ocean. I'm pretty sure if you put Easter on a fixed date that nobody would notice or give two shits.

Easter is also the only holiday that you don't get to miss school or work for. Since it is always on a Sunday, Easter essentially wastes your weekend day as opposed to taking a weekday so that everyone can miss school and work. Notice that Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday, Memorial and Labor Day are on Mondays, and odds are holidays like Christmas and Fourth of July take up other days during the week. Easter? It HAS to be on a Sunday just to ruin everyone's weekend. What a load of shit.

I think the one thing that epitomizes the fact that Easter is bullshit is the fact that there are no good movies based on on around the holiday. When's the last time you have seen a movie about Easter? Better yet, when's the last time you've seen a movie that takes place on or around Easter? There are plenty of classic Christmas movies (Santa's Slay, Rocky IV, Die Hard), Halloween movies (Halloween), Memorial Day movies (any World War II, Vietnam, or Rambo movie), and New Year's movies (Boogie Nights, When Harry met Sally, Forest Gump). Even Valentine's Day has "My Bloody Valentine 3D". Easter is so shitty that even the show "Rugrats" decided to make a Passover special instead of wasting an episode on the diarrhea that is Easter.

With all of the Jewish holiday specials, I always wanted Rugrats to make a Holocaust special where Angelica is Hitler

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