Awesome Dream I Had




So my dream last night took place back at my college town of Central Michigan University. Two of my long lost friends from high school, Ben and Jake, took me out to O'Kelly's (a sports bar in Mount Pleasant). This was strange for two reasons: I was never really that close with either friend, and neither of them went to CMU. Don't worry, none of this is gonna make any sense.

So Ben buys me a beer, and I buy myself a beer. Somehow I get nearly blackout drunk after these two beers, and piss in the corner of the bar. Ben then tells me about how crazy and ridiculous I am when I am intoxicated, and I tell him about the time that I threw a giant bag of garbage on top of the roof of the bar (an event that happened in real life. I walked out with my friends after the bar closed, came across the dumpster, I grabbed a bag of garbage and yelled "I'M THE TRASH MAN!" in homage to Danny Devito, and threw it on top of the roof).

It isn't long before a ton of girls start coming in. And by girls, I mean really fucking short girls. For some reason, all of the girls in this dream were 4 and a half feet tall or shorter. Ben and Jake were macking all over them. Then this one small, fat girl walked in, and started making out with one of the other short girls! It was like midget lesbians. The thin one started biting on the fat one's tongue ring and shaking her head, and they kissed some more.

I then realized I was in Mount Pleasant on a weeknight, and decided to call my friend Kris, who liked to go out on the weeknights. He did not answer. Then I called my buddy Cyrus, and I got the same result.

Somehow I ended up at the Student Activity Center in the same dream. I was in the hot tub, and I got called into substitute teach. As I was walking out, a ton of people were playing with dogs. I went to pet one of them, and it bit me on the wrist, as another dog came over and attacked me. These were some big fucking dogs. I squeezed one of them with my legs until they cried and stopped biting (giving credence to the nickname of my muscular legs, the puppy crushers, given to them by my roommates in college), and punched the other dog in the face as hard as I could. The dog released his bite, growled, and attacked me again. I hate dogs.

Then the dream ended up in my bedroom, where my cousin and sister thought it was cool to hang out all of a sudden. For some reason, these two people from the plasma donation center came in to do a routine checkup on me after donating so much plasma over the last few weeks. One of them was a total cougar. My sister pulled me out of my room and asked if I needed "alone time" with the female, to which I confirmed. The cougar and I started to make out, but then she pushed me off and was like "I'm sorry, I can't be doing this. I'm married". I was disappointed. She tried to cheer me up by saying "Well don't worry, if my husband gets in a car accident, gets cancer, or some other hilarious disease, I will definitely give you a call".

So let me get this straight: A hot cougar, who is a nurse (meaning good income), with a morbid sense of humor? She literally sounds like the woman of my dreams.


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