I was thinking about deer the other day and could not get over how fucking pointless they are. For real, if deer went extinct tomorrow, would anyone give a shit? Would anything change? Would planet Earth miss a beat? The answer to these questions is simple:
Think about the many ways in which an animal can be awesome. Animals can be cute, ferocious, useful to human life, intelligent, scrappy, or if you really want to stretch, serve a purpose in their respective ecosystem. None of these qualities can be used to describe a deer.
Adorability: Even when certain animals are completely useless, I can appreciate them for the fact that they're cute. Like the bunny rabbit, for instance: All bunny rabbits do is hop around, fuck, and poop little pellets. That's it.They're not special at all. The world wouldn't miss a beat if rabbits were wiped off the face of the earth, except for the fact that rabbits are cute as fuck. They're soft, they're quiet, they're playful, they're cuddly, and they're pleasant to look at. Check out this video clip of a bunny eating a banana.
I would nuzzle the shit out of that rabbit
Deer have zero adorability whatsoever. You cannot cuddle a deer because they're too big and carry ticks that transmit lime disease. They're not playful, and they make whiny noises. I searched YouTube for what deer sound like, and this is some of the shit that I found.
That is the exact opposite of what I would call adorable. Seriously deer, quit bitching already. Learn some new sounds. What a terrible animal.
Ferociousness: Have you ever heard the story about that deer that chased down a fellow large animal, and ate it while it was still alive? No? That's because it never happened. Lions, bears, sharks, rhinos, and even snakes get respect in the wild because they're bad mother fuckers. That's why people lined up in droves for movies like "The Lion King", "Jurassic Park", and "Jaws": People want to see animals kick ass. "Bambi" on the other hand, I cried at that shit, because I couldn't believe I wasted two hours of my life watching a fucking cartoon about deer.
Usefulness: When I was a kid, my parents tried to spoon feed me lies every winter about this man in a red suit named Santa Clause who would come to every God-loving Christian child's home to deliver presents. I was on board until they mentioned the part about Santa using reindeer to pull his sleigh. I immediately stopped listening, because there's no way a species of deer did something useful.
Some may argue that deer are not much different than horses and camels. However, camels and horses have assisted humans for millennia - Being our beasts of burden, improving our standard of living. Even today, horses are still valuable for purposes like horse racing and feeding Burger King customers, as camels are for selling cigarettes to children. Man has been to the moon and back and is currently planning missions to mars, and yet we still have not figured out a way to exploit deer to their fullest potential. That's because deer have zero potential.
Intelligence: Aside from rummaging for grass (which is stupid in of itself because grass if fucking everywhere), all deer do is run around at night getting blinded by bright lights and causing traffic accidents. That's why deer are one of the few animals that America has allowed people to hunt, because science couldn't care less about deer. Society has pretty much said "Okay you gun nuts, if you REALLY need to shoot something in the face, shoot deer, nobody is going to miss those clowns".
Wolves on the other hand? Wolves are intelligent. We don't wanna fuck with wolves because wolves might get their shit together one day and seek revenge. Same goes with whales, squid, chimpanzees, elephants, and crows. As intelligent creatures, we should respect animals that show even the basic cognitive potential.
Deliciousness: I have never once thought to myself "Man, I could really go for some venison right now". Now chicken (wings, tenders, breasts, thighs), cow (steak, hamburger), pork (ribs, bacon, ham), turkey, ostrich, lamb, shrimp, squid, and tuna are a different story. For real, deer, how the fuck are you losing to tuna? Look how stupid tuna looks.
Scrappiness: Listen, nobody hates rats more than me, but I have to hand it to them, they're scrappy as fuck. Living in sewers, toughing freezing temperatures and diseases, teaching mutant reptiles martial arts. They just don't quit. It's almost as if they live to spite us.
Ecosystem: Alright, here is the one saving grace for deer: They currently serve as a valuable food supply for predatory animals such as wolves, bears, eagles, jaguars, and alligators. Even scavengers like foxes and raptors rely on leftover deer corpses for sustenance. So one could easily make the case that if deer were eliminated, that one, or several, of these animals mentioned might starve and go endangered.
However, I think that we need to see the upside of this hypothetical situation: The forrest now becomes an epic battle royale. Instead of all these animals slacking off by picking out deer, now they have to fight each other. Who wouldn't want to see more fights between bears and wolves? Or how about a jaguar and an alligator? Nobody is purchasing a Showtime or HBO subscription to watch Mike Tyson knock out 20 retarded kids. Now, if Mike Tyson gets into the ring with Joe Frazier? Everyone is going to the bank.
Besides, as I have stated, the ecosystem argument is a stretch. So what if deer are a valuable food source for predatory animals? So they're essentially the goldfish of the woods? That's not saying much. Deer are so fucking annoying that the singular and plural terms for deer are both the same: Deer. So if I see one deer, or multiple deer in the wild, I would describe them the same. Because it doesn't make a difference. Deer are so fucking stupid. I have had enough of deer.