Go to Craigslist!

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I'm dead serious, if you ever need a pick-me-up, just look at the Craigslist personals. I have never seen a bigger a selection of people who just have it rough. I mean, if you're really relying on Internet personals to find the love of your life, you know your self-esteem has hit rock bottom. In fact, every time I read Craigslist ads, I feel much better about myself.

I first checked out Craigslist upon listening to Tom Leykis. Callers would occasionally call in and brag about how easy it is to get pussy off of Craigslist. I scoured the personals for a little bit, and was shocked at how gorgeous some of these women actually are. Check them out.

Craigslist: Where men come to pork porkers

Wow, Leykis's callers must be aiming low on the totem pole. What I love most about these whales is that a ton of them make countless demands in their ads. Sometimes saying things shit like  "Nobody over 300 pounds", "No kids please", "Must have a stable job", "Nobody over X-age or younger than X-age", "Only black/white/latino/arabic men". Really? These bitches are beyond disgusting, obviously could not attract anybody out in the real world, and have little-to-no appealing attritbutes.

It blows my mind that these women think that they have the power to make specific demands when they have minimal capital. It would be like if I was trying to find volunteers to dig trenches in the desert, and said "I only want midgets to dig the trenches". It's already tough to find hard labor at a low price, it's just going to make it more difficult if I limit potential volunteers.

For those who have never been to Craigslist, you might go there and get a bit confused. There are a ton of terms, abbreviations, and lingo that you may not know. Let me clarify a lot of these common rules.

BBW - A fat bitch that thinks she's pretty
LTR - A disgusting rat that seeks a Long-Term-Relationship
NSR - A cow that seeks a Non-sexual relationship
AA- A ginormous whale that seeks only black guys
NSA- A ball-busting bitch that wants no strings attached
FWB- A disgusting blob that wants friends with benefits

Here are some theories I have developed from reading various ads:

1: The more text there is, the fatter she is

This is true, because the woman knows that if she cannot appeal to men in the physical department, she needs to makeup for it in the personality department. Thus, these women type novel-esk ads trying to attract men with low standards. They will tend to list all of their interests, goals, ambitions, likes, and dislikes. I have found that the more attractive women generally type very little. Speaking of which...

2: The attractive women on Craigslist are either non-existent, liars, or single mothers

Most of the hot women are just spam. Some of the others are just liars, who post pictures that are five years old; pictures of themselves from when they used to be hot. (For instance, I one time saw a 32 year-old on there who posted pictures of her in a cheerleading outfit from when she was in high school).

The latter one, single mothers. Single moms generally have a much more difficult time finding men when they have to go work two jobs and come home and take care of their kids all day. This leaves little time to go out to bars and clubs to meet new people, and men generally try to resist single moms. After all, it is a big rule of Leykis 101.

3: The younger she is, the dumber she is

I thought that the reverse would be true. Mainly considering educational gap between generations. For instance, there is this woman that I work with, who is in her 60's, and one day asked me "Hey, where do you think the moon goes when it's not there?" I fucking learned that in third grade, and she obviously never learned it even at the high school level.
However, it could just be a maturity thing. Older women want to come off as more professional, and women from my generation grew up on LiveJournal, AIM, MySpace, Facebook, and text messaging, so they already have established careers of murdering the English language.

I would like the mention the funniest personal I have ever read. It was from a 42 year-old Latina who had herpes, and in the title said that she "Only wants guys who have herpes." I wish I would have saved that when I saw it.

By the way, to any women reading this, the hilarity does not stop with you.  Most of the men on Craigslist are nothing but a bunch of deadbeat losers. Just look at these guys:

Even I would go gay for some of these cuties

The men on Craiglist are typically more pathetic than the women in most cases. I mean, look at this dumbass's personal:

"28 blk male from bham looking for a nice young women to talk to,or just hang out and see were is goes from there.i do smoke blunts and i real light drinker.i love football ,and just going out chillin.if u would like to meet or just talk please drop me a email and pic,i will send one back.if u are not a women or not real,or want a credit card please dont waste my time on them scams.i am not sending any money anywhere birmingham women only"

I hope for that guy's sake that women are really turned on by incompetent stoners.

"I am 40 years old white male, I am separated I have two girls, do not want anymore children
I have a job, reasonably intelligent and some say i am funny
I am not brad pitt or tom cruise, well maybe if they were 5'8 and 285 pounds so my washboard stomach has alot of laundry on it
i am looking for a friend first and then lets see what happens
I prefer to talk on phone other than email tag or maybe IM so we can get to know each other
so the next move is yours
reply to email with any questions you may have
reply with pic and i will send one back
any web address or links will not be replied to"

Uh oh ladies, that man has a job, just like 90% of the other men in the fucking country! The following was was probably the worst:

"Hi , well lets it put this way, my wife just left me cause she has a boyfriend and wants to move in with him, so she left me the house and all thats in it, so forget her, I am looking for a fun and interesting woman to go out for dinner and drinks and maybe see what can be built upon that. I am 44 yrs old 6 ft 1 in 230 lbs salt n pepper hair with a goatee and tan all over. I am very much for real no games here and not looking for any, please put snoopy in the reply line this way i will know to answer you and if you wanna send a pic first thats fine if not lets chat and i will than forward mine to you. so lets talk and do dinner soon."

I also got a kick out of this one:

"Hello my name is Marco, I'm from **********....I am searching for a sweet, easygoing, fun loving woman who is very large. I have always been attracted to big women. If you or somebody you know is in need of a good finacially stable man, please write to me and try to include a picture. I am not concerned with looks or your income. On disability is fine with me.....Thankyou and enjoy your day! Hope to hear from you soon! "

I guess the women pictured above actually have a chance.

By the way, if anybody comes across any really hilarious/pathetic/terrible Craigslist personals, e-mail them to me so I can post the best of the best.

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