Best Cover Letter Ever

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I recently applied for a job at the "Hanson School District". The vacancy was pretty solid: It played into my major qualifications from college and paid decently. However, it doesn't pay as much as the two jobs I am working now, so getting denied was not necessarily a disappointment.

So I decided to have fun with the cover letter. For those who are unfamiliar with cover letters, they're the bullshit document you slap on the front of a resume. Its' duty is to kiss whoever is reading its' ass and give dishonest reasons for desiring the job. Seriously, why should people lie about why they want a job? They want a job because they need money. If people did not care about the money, they would just go in and do the work for free. It's stupid.

Ms. Tabitha Smith:

My name is Kirk Wilcox, and I am interested in becoming the video technician for the Hanson School District. I found out about the video technician availability via Facebook. My friend posted it on my wall because he graciously cares about the Hanson School District and wants them to have the best video technician possible.
Okay, perhaps I exaggerated. But who doesn't these days? At least I am a man and am honest about it unlike the hundreds of other incompetent liars that also forwarded you cover letters, that did ten minutes of research on Google before drafting their letters, so that they can suck up to you by discussing how much they "know" about the Hanson School District.
What do I know about the Hanson School District? I know that the high school mascot is the bear. I like bears. I know that any company that works with bears is a company that does not mess around. Look at President Theodore Roosevelt. He had bears in the White House. Did anyone ever challenge him? No. I know that Hanson School District does not mess around, which is why I want to work for the Hanson School District.
I could bore you with the details about how I spent a lot of my high school and college years working with cameras, writing scripts, directing video productions, designing websites, working with students of all ages, becoming a proficient editor on Final Pro and what not, but that's what resumes are for, which is attached with this very cover letter. If you need any evidence of my work, go to my YouTube channel "DougCyrus". Preferably look at the "Brewheist Documentary" and the "I Want to be the One" music video.
If you want to set up and interview or want more information, my contact information is listed on the resume. I look forward to working with you.

Best regards,

Kirk Wilcox

Needless to say, I did not even get an interview. Oh well.

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