What the Fuck Happened to October?

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I love the month of October. Or at least I used to. If the month of October was a good friend of mine, I'd give him a call this weekend. Our conversation would look something like this:

Me: Hey buddy
October: Hey, who is this?
Me: Kirk! You know, your best buddy?
October: Oh hey! It's been a while. Where have you been?
Me: Where have YOU been!?
October: I'm sorry man. I've been busy...
Me: What happened to you man?
October: What do you mean?
Me: Well, you just have not been you. I mean, you used to have jack-o-latterns on display. You used to have endless hours of horror movies on television. You used to have Halloween....
October: I still have those things!
Me: ...you used to have college football. Professional football. Pre-season basketball. Cross country for all of us running fans. The World Series....
October: I'm sorry, buddy. I truly am. I have been really busy with this other thing...
Me: Let me guess, you have a girlfriend?
October: Not exactly....
Me: Drugs? What did I tell you about those drugs!?
October: I'm afraid it's a lot worse than both of those. Here, let me send you this image. It should explain everything.

Before you open up Outlook Express (or Mail for fellow Mac users), let me say that I am all for finding cures to life threatening illnesses and helping people recover. The thing that I do not understand is the idea of October being labeled as just "Breast Cancer Awareness Month", as if I was not already aware that breast cancer was a problem. It's not like there isn't pink shit all over the place and countless businesses and organizations starting charities for breast cancer research. Because you know, breast cancer is the only life threatening illness. Thus women diagnosed with breast cancer get their own month as if they went through a period of time where they had to pick cotton in fields for no compensation, got sprayed down with firehoses, and could only drink out of designated water fountains.

The worst was the first week of October. This fat teenager came to my door and gave me a free newspaper. In other words, he gave me free garbage. Newspapers are such a waste of time and money. Everyone who writes for local newspapers are morons. Regardless, I can read the same material that is in a fifty cent newspaper on the Internet for free. The only time I ever purchase a newspaper is if the convenience store is out of toilet paper. Besides, the kids who deliver newspapers are better off staying at home at four in the morning so I can drive home intoxicated without having to worry about running them over.

So anyways, this fat kid gave me a free newspaper and told me that he was giving it to me as a complimentary gift, and that if I purchase a subscription that my money spend will go to fund more breast cancer research, as if breast cancer research organizations need more money. I told him to get off my porch before I inject him with the AIDS virus. Via my penis, because I actually do have the AIDS virus.

Normally, I would be all for finding cures for breast cancer. My main gripe with breast cancer is that it is ranked number five amongst other cancers in survival rates. That's correct, number five out of numerous different cancers. That's without mentioning that breast cancer has a higher survival rate than other terminal diseases like AIDS and ALS as well. What makes things worse is that breast cancer has nearly a 100% survival rate when discovered in the first stage. Not only that, but doctors and health experts have been preaching for women younger than 40 to get their breasts examined every three years in effort to catch breast cancer during stage one (so that, you know, women can decrease the risk of dying from breast cancer). Doctors also recommend for women over the age of 40 to get a mammogram EVERY YEAR so that they can catch breast cancer before it spreads. So basically, even if you do not have health insurance, it is still really simple to avoid breast cancer.

You hear that, ladies? As long as you stay on top of your shit like men do with prostate cancer (prostate cancer has the highest survival rate, probably because men are less likely to fuck around with their health and manage to get routine prostate exams. Or men secretly enjoy getting probes shoved up their asses. Personally, it's not my cup of tea), you'll be fine. Which by the way, why is it that only women get recognized for surviving cancer? You never see prostate cancer survivors throwing their own parades and singing national anthems and baseball games. Also, why are we spending so much money and focusing efforts on recovery for a disease that only affects women? Do men who suffer from testicular or prostate cancer not matter? Fucking seriously, testicular cancer has a higher mortality rate than breast cancer, and even Lance Armstrong's stupid bracelets could not match the funding and attention that breast cancer gets.

On a side note, why don't people take their health more seriously? It seems like every time I hear someone talk about their trip to the doctor, they talk about it like some horrible lecture that they received from their parents, and ignore their doctors advice as if they know more about health and medicine. We live in a society full of morons who buy into the "3 months or 3000 miles" rule about getting an oil change, but people cannot seem to grasp the concept of getting routine checkups from a physician. After all, mammograms only cost about $100 a year. Anyone could easily afford one of those if they would just sit at home on the occasional Sunday instead of wasting their money at Ikea or JC Penny.

"But Kirk, the reason why breast cancer gets so much attention is because with over 200,000 new cases each year, it is the most common cancer"


Someone once told me that the saying "You have pancreatic cancer" is essentially the politically correct way of saying "You have less than five years to live". You don't see many fundraisers for pancreatic cancer research, when the cancer has a less than 5% survival rate. And although there are only about 43,000 new cases of pancreatic cancer each year, the death toll is almost as high as breast cancer. The worst part? Breast cancer is still outnumbered by lung cancer (220,000 new cases each year, with around 157,000 dying each year) and prostate cancer (217,000 new cases each year, 32,000 deaths). So there you have it, breast cancer is not even the most common of all cancers.

By giving breast cancer its own month, you're basically telling everyone with AIDS, Hodgkin's, ALS, Parkinson's, and Pancreatic cancer (all of which are MUCH more fatal than breast cancer) that they're not good enough to have their own month. You hear that, cervical cancer? Despite having a much lower survival rate, you will need to take a back seat like everyone else to breast cancer. Seriously, if terminal diseases were a class of high school kids, breast cancer would be the hot cheerleader that gets all of the attention and benefits. Fuck Steve Jobs (Apple CEO), Patrick Swayzee (Roadhouse, Red Dawn), and Michael J Fox (invented time travel), we need thousands of fifty year-old women sitting on their asses watching Oprah all day as they spend their husband's money on shopping websites for clothes they don't need before they go around parading at sporting events bragging about how they beat cancer like a bunch of arrogant assholes.

I donate to charity all the time. However, I am officially through with breast cancer. With the color pink, Mother's Day, and the ENTIRE FUCKING MONTH OF OCTOBER, I think that breast cancer has enough money and attention as it is. Sorry ladies, I am going to invest my money to help people who are at a higher risk of death. If you would like to make a donation to help cure and research other diseases that do not have enough funding or attention, check out the links bellow. There are millions of people who suffer and die each day from pancreatic cancer, cervical cancer, lung cancer, ALS, AIDS, and Parkinson's. Donate today!

Pancreatic Cancer
Cervical Cancer
Lung Cancer
Parkinson's Disease

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