A Few Thoughts on the Turkey Trot

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I kicked off my favorite holiday of the year by running the 30th annual Turkey Trot in Detroit. Needless to say, I had a blast and kicked ass. Primarily because I decided to dress like a flesh-craving zombie.

I am honored to have made so many children cry on Thanksgiving

With that said, I have a few thoughts that I want to share about the Turkey Trot event in Detroit.

1) To the people who informed me that "Halloween is over" upon seeing me dressed as a zombie: Really? Halloween is over? Oh jeez, thank you for letting me know, because it's 2012 and I am too much of a dipshit to check one of my mobile devices or computer to notice which month we're in. Not to mention the fact that I have to write and deposit checks regularly, pay bills, and have deadlines and other obligations on something called a schedule. But somehow, it slipped my mind that it's not Halloween anymore.

First of all, you're not clever. And even if you're not trying to be funny, you would have to assume that I am mentally challenged or have severe memory loss to tell me that Halloween is over, which makes you an asshole. Secondly, HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE DRESS UP EVERY FUCKING YEAR FOR THE TURKEY TROT. I saw two fat girls dressed up as Batman and Robin. There were guys dressed up as the Ghostbusters chasing a guy dressed as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man during the race. Not to mention all of the morons who dress up as Santa Clause, snowmen, reindeer, and elves. Do you inform them that it's not Christmas yet, too? No, because you're a smug dumbass that sucks at being witty.

2) Women and children: It's fine if you're going to run the Turkey Trot. I support anyone who wants to have fun, stay in shape, and give money to a good cause all at the same time[1]. But do me a favor and know your damn role. The Turkey Trot is setup in waves for a reason - To separate the faster runners from the slower runners. And yet you still manage to fuck it up by lining up in the fast wave and running in packs. I don't enjoy getting boxed in for the first mile and having to find ways to pass you because you want to run in packs like a bunch of arrogant bitches. Go in the slow wave and let the rabbits dash.

[1]I just love how much running has taken off over the years. When I was running in high school, it was rare to see fellow runners on the street. Now I see people run all the time. There are countless fun, niche races like Warrior Dash, Tough Mudder, and the Zombie Dash. When I ran the Turkey Trot when I was 17, there were only 6,000 runners. It's 9 years later and 22,000 showed up. I love it.

3) Whoever organizes the Turkey Trot needs to figure out a more efficient method of setting up the finish line. I have run dozens of races in my lifetime, and never before have I had to fucking slow down before finishing. The last 100 meters or so was too narrow, and so many people were finishing at the same time that it was impossible to sprint and pass.

4) If you're hesitant on going out for Drinksgiving because you're running the Turkey Trot, I have a bit of helpful advice: Don't be. I have found that as long as I am not hungover, I have the most energy for a run following a night of drinking. Just know your limits, and remember liquor before beer. I kicked off last night with five mixed drinks, topped it off with three beers, and managed to kick it into fifth gear on the last mile, running my best 10k in years.

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