Old People on Airplanes are Annoying

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I flew to Los Angeles from a layover in St. Louis yesterday. It was a four hour flight, and I had very little sleep from the previous night, so I made sure to spot a seat where I could pass out with maximum comfort and the least amount of interruption. I found a window seat next to an old couple. Perfect. I can lean my head against the wall, and the old people will probably talk to each other, fall asleep, or read like most old people.

I was dead wrong. While the woman barely said a word to me, the man would not shut the fuck up. Even when it was clear that I was trying to fall asleep by leaning my head against the wall and shutting my eyes, he still found it necessary to start small talk. Even when I blatantly ignored him while wearing headphones and pretending to not hear them as I stared out the window, he would talk louder and louder until he got my attention. Seriously, fuck this guy.

I would like to start off by saying that I am generally a friendly person. Even though I hate small talk, I am easy going and can at least feign interest with just about anybody. Usually when small talk occurs, I partake before politely making it obvious that I have my own agenda and do not wish to have a conversation for very long, which most people understand and mind their fucking business.

But not this guy. Not only did he repeatedly attempt to start conversations with me, he would utter the dumbest statements possible. For instance, we were flying from St. Louis (center of the United Statea) to Los Angeles (West Coast). About two hours in, we fly over what appears to be a desert, to which Captain Dumbass chimes in "I think this is Wyoming." I didn't say anything, because seriously, why the fuck would the pilot take a detour north just to fly over Wyoming? I just nodded and smiled, pretending to agree, hoping that he would take a hint and shut his face. "Yup, that's definitely Wyoming", he added.

About fifteen minutes later, we fly over more sand and dirt with a river going through. There was a really thick area in the river from our point of view. "Oh this must be Utah, I'm pretty sure that's Salt Lake." First of all, it's clearly a fucking river, not a damn lake. Secondly, even if it was a lake, how the fuck could anyone tell if it was one lake from another? Fucking moron. This time I spoke up. "Nah, it looks more like a river." "Oh, it is? I wouldn't know I don't fly very often."

This is a satellite image of Salt Lake. Notice how it looks nothing like a fucking river (courtesy of Wikipedia)

There's no way anybody could be this stupid. Within a fifteen minute span, the guy has stated confidently that he knows where we are based on what he sees on the ground, even though he is incorrect by a long shot. Then when I call him out on be wrong, he totally backpedals and says that he wouldn't know in the first place. If you're going to make a statement, at least know what the fuck you're talking about. To make matters worse, he was babysitting a Coors Light, and I could smell it on his breath. Disgusting.

He then went on to tell me all about how he's from Northern California but lives in Kentucky now (yawn). And about how his relatives used to live in Los Angeles, but had to relocate because his cousin is allergic to smog (yawn). And never once did he ask me about myself. Not that I wished to tell him anyway, but what an unaware, self-absorbed asshole. He didn't even want to have a conversation with me, he just wanted to blab about himself. Even though I made it fucking clear that I was not interested in having a dialogue.

If you're ever sitting next to complete strangers on a plane, unless they seem interested in having a conversation or ask about you, don't fucking talk to them. It's annoying. I know that some people find silence awkward, but trying to have a conversation with someone who is not interested is even more awkward. Just mind your business and keep to yourself. Not everyone wants to hear your life story and stupid observations.

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