What was so great about "New Moon"?

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Within the last week I had the fortune of seeing one of the greatest vampire films of all time. My buddy and I were flipping through channels and were lucky enough to catch "Lost Boys" on AMC. "Lost Boys" kicks ass because it features Keifer Sutherland doing what vampires do best: eat people. They also road motorcycles and wore leather jackets. Man, what a great movie.


On the flip side, I also had to deal with the worst hour and a half of my life by seeing "New Moon". I wasn't planning on seeing it considering that I refused to see "Twilight", but my friend bet me that I could not make it through the entire movie. I took that bet and lost. "New Moon" really is a pile of shit.

I don't even know where to begin. The vampires not only did not ride motorcycles, which was a huge plus in "Lost Boys", but they REFUSED to ride motorcycles because they were so "dangerous". What a load of bullshit. Everything about this movie pissed me off. First of all, the show that I went to was sold out, as if the fans knew I was going to rip this movie apart and tried to stop me from seeing it. Too bad for them I already planned on buying a ticket for another movie and sneaking in to avoid giving the studio that produced it any of my money. Suckers.

Even the title shot pissed me off. It started with a full moon slowly wiping out from right-to-left to reveal the title "New Moon" behind it. So by the time the Moon was completely wiped out, it was no longer there, in essence making it a new moon. Wow, real clever assholes! I wouldn't have been so enraged had the transition not taken 15 fucking seconds. I guess the writers of this movie really believe that their fans are stupid because:

1) They are
2) The writers think that it will take the audience a quarter of a minute to read two one-syllable words
3) Everything in the movie is explained as if the audience were pre-schoolers

Take this scene for instance. [default] Pussy boy attempts to ask Bella out to a movie.

I think it's safe to assume that any movie called "Punch Face" will be an action movie, hence the title "Punch Face", where faces will likely be punched. Maybe more. But no, since Twilight's fans are so idiotic, it needs to be spelled out for them as if the movie is trying to teach its' viewers a foreign fucking language.

It also pissed me off that the fans were fascist Nazi's. Here I am watching the movie, trying to find a little enjoyment out of it by laughing hysterically at the atrocious dialogue and acting, and everybody started yelling at me to shut up and move somewhere else. Really? Is this movie that much of a masterpiece that some asshole like me laughing at it will ruin the experience? What is there to experience anyways? IT'S A FUCKING VAMPIRE MOVIE DONE WRONG. In fact, it was supposed to features vampires fighting werewolves, which would normally kick endless amounts of ass, but they managed to fuck that up.

The douche bag who played the role of Edward Cullen could not be taken seriously. He talks like a robot the entire time.

I've seen better acting on WWE Monday Night Raw. You had Cullen being unable to act, the bitch who played Bella over acting, a shitty story, and worse dialogue than a generic soap opera. Not even a battle between Rambo and the Terminator could save this abomination of a movie. Which is why I walked out, because there was no possible way that the ending could make up for how horrendous the rest of the movie was. It wouldn't be worth it.

Another thing that really drives me crazy is the fact that this movie has a PG rating, thus parents will let their stupid kids go watch it. If I ever have a son, I would not allow him to watch a minute of these films. They set a bad precedent for men. Every guy in these movies is a complete pussy. In fact, the manliest character in "New Moon" is Bella. She's the one riding motorcycles, her voice gets deep when she confronts Jacob, and she's the one who actually wants to be a vampire. In fact, that's why the vampires are such pussies: they don't even want to be vampires!

Back to why every guy in this movie is a sissy. Bella goes to see her friend Jacob, who agrees to make her two motorcycles without any compensation. And Cullen always follows Bella around and gives her endless amounts of compliments and telling her how much he loves her. Isn't that a little creepy? Doesn't this actually turn girls off? Seriously guys, just follow a girl around all the time and tell her about how much you need her to live and see how much poon you get. And the scene after they go to movies, Jacob throws a little hissy fit because Bella won't hold his hand. What a little bitch. And don't get me started on the chump that hates action movies.

I don't care what this film is rated, no son of mine will ever watch this movie and get the impression that it's alright to become a little yes-man to a girl who won't put out. Doesn’t this go against the whole code of being a vampire? Remember how much a player Dracula was? He seduced babes ALL THE TIME. Vampires used to be cool. Even Cullen sparkles like he’s a fucking stripper when he’s in the sun. No wonder why vampires hate the sun, they hate looking like a bunch of fruity metrosexuals.

“But Kirk, ‘New Moon’ is a chick flick, it isn’t meant for guys like you” Good point, only high school-chick flicks have been made before that involved vampires, and it worked. Don’t believe me? It was called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and it kicks ass.

Yes, I know that it has Luke Perry. But it also has a bad ass chick with a huge rack killing vampires. And not every guy in the movie is a complete dipshit. In fact, I think it’s fair to place Buffy on the all-time list of badass females in movies, along with Sarah Conner, Ripley, Black Mamba, and the Asian from Rambo: First Blood Part II.

Apparently, fans love “New Moon” more than they do “Twilight”, which pretty much rules out any possibility of me ever seen that movie. I think that I would rather see both of my grandmas engage in lesbian porn.