High Heels are Bullshit

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Have you ever just sat down and relaxed, to ponder deep thoughts and ideas parallel to those of Socrates, Aristotle, or Hulk Hogan, only to be interrupted by some attention whore who is clonking on over?

Worst invention ever

I don't know about you, but it's happened to me THOUSANDS of times. I will be thinking about efficient ways to conquer the world, or trade scenarios that could land Lebron James on the Pistons, and the next thought that comes to mind is "oh God, some uppity bitch is coming, I can hear her high heels!"

It's just one of several reasons why high heels are the bane of human existence. A man will be brainstorming new inventions, methods to handle a struggling economy, or innovative marketing techniques only to have the sound of high heels bring those deep thoughts to a screeching halt.

Furthermore, it cuts down on efficiency at the office. Women will opt for high heels at the office to look "professional", when they in fact slow her down on trips to the rest room to change her tampons. If she had regular walking shoes, she would be back at her station quicker, and would not be distracting others with the sound of her heels thumping on the floor.

Also, who the fuck decided that high heels looked "good" anyways? If anything they look stupid. Women are always having to learn how to walk in high heels, which make it look like they're trying to use stilts on a balance beam. This dramatically cuts down on early developmental education, because little girls need to to become "ladies" by learning stupid shit like walk in heels. Instead of wasting time on practicing walking in heels, little girls could be learning subjects vital to human development like math, science, and the difference between washing whites and colors.

What makes things worse is that women feel the need to purchase various sets of high heels to match every imaginable outfit in their closets. We as a civilization could be putting that money to good use by spending it on space exploration, resolving world hunger, and global domination. We could also cut down on cattle supplies. For instance, instead of using more cow to make leather for heels, we could divert that resource into meat, thus making hamburgers cheaper. But no, every dress requires its' own pair of heels. What a bunch of bullshit.

I hereby declare that we begin a mass protest of high heels. They cut down on efficiency, time, cost, and early female child development. We need to become more prominent as a species, because I'll be damned if those dolphins ever take over. In fact I say we do both.

Never trust a dolphin

Let's endanger dolphins by feeding them tuna-flavored high heels. Then dolphins will start to decline, and we will effectively rid the planet of high heels. Believe it or not, I had a better plan in mind, but then some bitch interrupted the brainstorm of that plan by walking past me with her damn heels.

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