Have you ever just sat down and relaxed, to ponder
deep thoughts and ideas parallel to those of Socrates,
Aristotle, or Hulk Hogan, only to be interrupted by some attention
whore who is clonking on over?
Worst invention ever
I don't know about you, but it's happened to me THOUSANDS of times. I
will be thinking about efficient ways to conquer the world, or trade
scenarios that could land Lebron James on the Pistons, and the
next thought that comes to mind is "oh God, some uppity bitch is
coming, I can hear her high heels!"
It's just one of several reasons why high heels are the bane of human
existence. A man will be brainstorming new inventions, methods to
handle a struggling economy, or innovative marketing techniques only to
have the sound of high heels bring those deep thoughts to a screeching
Furthermore, it cuts down on efficiency at the office. Women will opt
for high heels at the office to look "professional", when they in
fact slow her down on trips to the rest room to change her
she had regular walking shoes, she would be back at her station
would not be distracting others with the sound of her heels thumping on
Also, who the fuck decided that high heels looked "good" anyways? If
anything they look stupid. Women are always having to learn how to walk in
high heels, which make it look like they're trying to use stilts on a
balance beam. This dramatically cuts down on early developmental
education, because little girls need to to become "ladies" by
learning stupid shit like walk in heels. Instead of wasting time on practicing walking in heels, little girls could be learning subjects vital to human development like
math, science, and the difference between washing whites and colors.
What makes things worse is that women feel the need to purchase various
sets of high heels to match every imaginable outfit in their closets.
We as a civilization could be putting that money to good use by
spending it on space exploration, resolving world hunger, and global
domination. We could also cut down on cattle supplies. For instance,
instead of using more cow to make leather for heels, we could divert
that resource into meat, thus making hamburgers cheaper. But no, every
dress requires its' own pair of heels. What a bunch of bullshit.
I hereby declare that we begin a mass protest of high heels. They cut
down on efficiency, time, cost, and early female child development. We
need to become more prominent as a species, because I'll be damned if
those dolphins ever take over. In fact I say we do both.
Never trust a dolphin
Let's endanger dolphins by feeding them tuna-flavored high heels. Then
dolphins will start to decline, and we will effectively rid the planet
of high heels. Believe it or not, I had a better plan in mind, but then
some bitch interrupted the brainstorm of that plan by walking past me
with her damn heels.
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