First Impressions of Kirk Wilcox


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The other night I was scouring through old Facebook notes to find a picture that my friend drew. It is one of my favorite pieces of artwork.



Anyway, while going through notes, I noticed one of my best pieces of work. The best part? I didn't even have to write anything! It was one of those chainmail-like notes that everybody wrote, "First Impressions", where someone asks their friends to write what they first thought when they met. Being the narcissist that I am, I always try to leave a most memorable impression, whether good or bad. Even last week, I was at a hookah bar with some friends, and this group of strangers we were sitting with asked us if we "had anything for headaches". My response?

"You know what the best cure for headaches is?"

"What?"

"Footjobs"

I went onto describe how to get the best footjobs, and why they are awesome[1]. Also, need I mention the fact that I hand out my business card every time I meet someone?

Handing this out never gets old


[1]I don't actually like footjobs. Or feet for that matter.

Anyway, I wanted to republish my friends (and some ex-friends, I came to find out that a lot of these people have deleted me on Facebook since publishing the note on Facebook three years ago) had to say about meeting me for the first time. These are literally copied and pasted from the original note, and not edited. I did not make any of these up myself. Here are first impressions of Kirk Wilcox.




"I first met Kirk Wilcox the day I moved into my dorm freshman year at CMU. I was out in the hall with my girlfriend at the time, while my parents were just inside my room when Kirk came down the hall. We had our introductions and made some small talk. Then Kirk proceeded to ask me, "Do you ever go to strip clubs?" I said that I did not. Then he said, "I go to them in Detroit and in Canada. The American ones a better looking, but I think the Canadian ones grind you better." Ladies and gentlemen, my first impression of Kirk Wilcox."


"When I first started working with you I was like HOLY SHIT this guy is insane lol...then I got all those songs stuck in my head and the rest is history haha."


"Mike introduced me to you at the frat party... then U told me "I hate black people" I knew u were kidding cause you gave me a hug. awkward..."


"i was waiting for us to watch the neverending story in your dorm room when you came out of your room dressed in your batman costume. you then asked me what i would do if you came out in just your underwear and the batman mask. i don't remember exactly what my response was but i do remember thinking you were totally fucking crazy and therefore liked you immediately;)"


"I remember actually being intimidated the first time I saw you. We didn't meet then, but I was a shy and timid 6th grader and you were wearing camo shorts and a Steve Austin t-shirt. Once I did meet you we hit it off though and started hanging out a lot. Aside from my first impression of seeing you and being intimidated, I've always enjoyed your company."


"My mom and sister were helping me move stuff into the dorms at CMU. Kirk was the first of my roommates that I met. After my family left, Kirk proceeded to tell me how hot my sister was. That night we went in search of a party to crash, because that's what you do at college. We jammed out to Weird Al's "The Saga Begins" in his car. I knew he was cool beans."


"Ehem... Well if I do recall correctly. I met you in the port-o-potty line at the Spring Football Tailgate. You had your hair done in a lovely French braid. I tell you 'I like your french braid.' and you proceed to say 'Thank You!' then spill your beer on me. After you apologize about four times you then tell me about your rich grandpa and why you still live in the dorms. After that story you explain how you are a 'funny guy' and do stand up. I laugh and listen to your stories. Then you tell me a joke. I laugh. We are still waiting in line for about 5 minutes, then you tell me the same joke again. I laugh once again. You pause... then tell me about your grandpa again. To be exact, I first saw you at the RFOC. My roommate ran into a chair and you laughed SO loud. I thought 'Haha, that kid is cool.'.
But there you go with your juicy story of how we met. Enjoy."


"i liked your jacket, i liked your hair, and i wanted to be your friend. :-)"


"yea i just thought you were weird. i was moving into wheeler and you sauntered into the room and just kinda looked around all wide eyed. you made my mom laugh though when you were saying how you were glad i was there instead of emily in terms of being the new roomate."


"I was desperate for friends in Junior High, so I decided to take a chance on Kirk Wilcox. It was a most fun-filled day. We started out by watching videos of super mario humping princess peach, as well as fake "sexality" finishing moves from Mortal Kombat III on Kirk's computer. We listened to a few shitty skits off of Kirk's favorite Adam Sandler CD. I must take a moment to note what a beautiful bedroom Kirk kept. It was so clean, and I was comfortable toughing everything in there. After that, we went upstairs to Kirk's kitchen where I got to listen to Kirk and his sister, Kelly talk about her boyfriend's big dick. A dick so big that Kirk proclaimed that it was, "Bigger than mine!". Despite the good time I was having, I knew I couldn't stay much longer. I had false responsibilities at home that I had to attend to. So I told Kirk that I had to go home and do the dishes. I thanked him for the most excellent time, and began my walk home, hoping never to see him again."


(This is from a girl who lived on my floor) "I'll never forget the Batman Costume freshman year, and how he said that I had a nice mustache. Interesting. "


"I thought you were the weirdest kid ever. I had no idea if there was something wrong with you, or if you were going out of your way to get attention. I think during Cross Country and track was when I realized you were just kind of crazy, and I liked it that way. You weren't nuts, but you just had a lot of balls with almost everything you did."


"Wow Kirk when I first met you at Trents I thought you were the strangest person ever. All you wore were pajama pants & you would just say the strangest off the wall things. Then going to the baseball game in Ohio I thought you were going to get us shot with all the rude comments & remarks you were making to the people there. After getting to know you though I love Kirk & enjoy talking with you :)"


"first day of classes freshmen year in TAI 170 with dianna marino. dianna said something along the lines of, "wow thats really amazing." to which mr. wilcox replied with, "you know whats really amazing? i havent brushed my teeth in three days and no one has said a thing!" as the rest of the class sat there in awe, i almost pissed myself from laughing so hard from picking up on the family guy reference. i knew then that i had to befriend this cadillac of men. "


"I don't remember an exact story of when I first met you, just a few random moments before I really talked to you that much. First there was the time you told Bo you had coke in the fridge as a joke and Mike whispers to me "It's funny because he actually does coke." A statement which Adam Carey agreed upon so I just assumed it to be true for the time being. There was also the time Jamel told me to "go up to that Kirk guy and rub these cotton balls." After I did that you were pretty pissed. I don't remember your exact words but it involved dicks in my mouth. There was also the ungodly amounts of porn in your room. In fact, the Gamecube was cushioned by multiple discs of porn. Lastly, there was the time I was hanging out with Adam in the main room and you were sleeping in the bedroom. When you awoke you walked outside in your underwear and stretched, morning wood at full mast. "




Once again, these are all true stories (I left out most of the boring ones). If you have an interesting, humorous first impression of me, drop me an E-mail and I will add them if they are funny enough.

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