Human Evolution is Boring

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I would like to begin by stating that I am not here to debate evolution. Because debating about evolution is fucking dumb. If you don't believe in evolution, and choose to dismiss evidence presented by countless scientists who have dedicated their lives to study and research humanity, in favor of a book that was written and rewritten and added to and adjusted over the last 2000+ years, then knock yourself out. For real, how does one put much stock into a book that mentions angels as if they are real beings? Angels are flawed characters. They are depicted as magical, human-like beings equipped with wings, even though wings are not strong enough to sustain flight for a human body. And if you're going to use the argument that they can fly because of God-given, supreme powers, then why have wings in the first place? Anyway, just know that I will not take you seriously.

Every time I read a headline about how scientists have found a "missing link" to evolution, I get enraged to the point where my primitive instincts kick in, causing me to shit in my hand and do Justin Verlander impressions. Ooooo! You found a monkey skeleton with an unusual bone structure? Big fucking deal! By finding a "missing link", we have created two voids in the human evolution timeline, and thus have more missing links than before.

No matter how many missing links are discovered, there will always be missing links. And as long as people choose to believe in Jesus and other bullshit, there will always be skeptics. Besides, human evolution is boring. Let me get this straight: You're suggesting that two species under the same order could have a common ancestor? ZzzzzzzZZZZZzzzz. What's next? You're going to tell me that jaguars and tigers evolved from the same animal? Maybe God was simply bored with one feline, and decided to play Lisa Frank and make the same cat but colored differently.

Don't get me wrong, no one appreciates the work of Darwin (and the efforts of many evolution experts since Origin of Species) more than me. However, when we look at the big picture of the planet, solar system, galaxy, and universe - Human evolution is just a flash in the pan. Aren't there bigger and more pressing questions to be answered? Especially considering that other species have far more interesting evolutionary sequences. You know what kind of evolution turns me on? Bird evolution. Why? Because birds used to be fucking dinosaurs.

Just let that sink it for a minute. A whining bitch like Big Bird could very well be the descendent of a bad ass like Sharptooth from "Land Before Time". One minute your species is eating Little Foot's mom, and 65 million years later your species is teaching infant humans their ABC's. Speaking of which, after seeing Big Bird sing at Henson's funeral, I have decided that I want Brobee from "Yo Gabba Gabba" to read the eulogy at my funeral in his frowning face.

Back to evolution. Another creature that intrigues me is the whale. Did you know that whales used to walk on land? Or at least that's what those cooky scientists claim. Which begs the question: Should we really feel that bad for whales that get captured and enslaved by corporations like Sea World? Whales had their chance to live on land and conquer the planet. But they chose to go back into the water instead. When has living in the water ever worked out for a species? It's no coincidence that Aquaman is one of the only superheroes to never get a movie deal. Nobody wants to watch a man in spandex swim around for two hours. Maybe if whales had learned to fly like dinosaurs they could have conquered the air. Birds don't get enslaved to perform for humans because they're too busy ending up on my sandwich. Which brings me to this -

How amazing is that? In a span of 65 million years, the T-Rex and other theropoda went from dominating the land, to figuring out how to fly, to the dollar menu. That's what I call evolution. Now stop boring me with monkey fossils.

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