My Cousin Dave is Insane


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This past week was my family reunion. Every year, everyone in my family goes to this cabin in the woods that's been in my family for generations, to drink, feast, play cards, and sit around a bonfire. I know it sounds boring, but it's always a blast. I appreciate the little things in life. I told this to one of my black friends, to which he said "Going up north? That's such a white people thing to do". Apparently my friend has never heard of the Underground Railroad.

Whenever I get together with my family, there is always at least one memorable conversation or event with my cousin Dave. My cousin Dave is one of the smartest people I know, but I'm not so certain that that's a good thing. He's always arrogant and cooking up diabolical plans. For example, he helped me create Jesus is Hitler. He also plays poker for a living, is a huge Ayn Rand fanatic, and is surprisingly really good at basketball. On Saturday night, much of our conversations revolved around the poker culture, the people who try to play poker for a living, differences between midwest poker players and players in other regions, and what have you. A lot of it was very interesting to say the least. However, he broke topic for a brief period to inquire my opinion on his new scheme.

Dave: "Kirk, I have a question for you."
Kirk: "Yeah?"
Dave: "Say you had a one night stand with a girl, and she came back to you a month later and told you she was pregnant. What are the odds that you pay for an abortion?"
Kirk: "I dunno, I always use a condom..."
Dave: "Say you weren't using protection, or she convinced you that the condom broke or leaked. Or say you didn't use a condom at all. What are the chances that you pay for the abortion?"
Kirk: "No condom, 100%. With condom, you know, I probably say it's around 90%. I really don't want kids."
Dave: "I knew it."
Kirk: "What does this pertain to?"
Dave: "So I have this idea. I'm gonna open up a store in a strip mall that looks like a place that might perform abortions, but not say that it does. Just have people in doctor uniforms working the counter, have shelves of medicine bottles all over the place. I'm gonna have girls sleep with random guys, and then return to them a month later claiming that they're pregnant, and that they need the guy to pay for the abortion. The girl will then bring the guy to my office, he'll pay the cost of an abortion, I'll have the girl go behind closed doors and pretend that she's getting her pregnancy terminated. After it's done, I'll pay the girl like $20 and bank the rest."
Kirk: "That's fucked up. I love it, it's a brilliant idea. But fucked."
Dave: "I'm going to make a fortune."
Kirk: "I think you need to pay the girl more than $20 though"
Dave: "Why? If they're that dirty and sinister to sleep with random guys and convince them to terminate a non-existent pregnancy, then they probably have such low self-esteem that they'd anything they can get."
Kirk: (sigh) "Valid point. Still awful"
Dave: "This kind of shit probably happens all the time. Think about it, a girl sleeps around with multiple guys, doesn't know which one knocked them up, and so they latch onto the richest one and ask them to pay for an abortion. Or they just have the baby anyway and hit the richest up for child support. Regardless, there are a lot of suckers out there that would be willing to pay for an abortion, even if there's a chance that it's not their baby."
Kirk: "It'll have to be cash only though."
Dave: "Why?"
Kirk: "How are you going to run credit card transactions?"
Dave: "Have it go into a PayPal account."
Kirk: "But what if you get caught? There will be a money trail, they can use that as evidence against you in court."
Dave: "Dude, just put it in one of the girl's names. We're not working with Harvard graduates here."
Kirk: "Jesus!"

That's my cousin Dave for you. If you ever have a girl tell you that she needs help with an abortion, definitely get the work done. Better off paying $500-$1000 now as opposed to paying $300,000 the next 18 years. Just make sure you're taking her to an actual abortion clinic first.

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