Fox Can Eat a Dick

Update: According to Creighton, Fox is the real enemy. NOT Coors Light. Since I am too lazy to edit this, replace that "Coors Light" with Fox every time you see it. I officially detest Coors Light. If their shitty tasting beer and sponsoring of the NFL was not enough, Coors Light decided to sponsor one of my favorite shows on television: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".

During this past season of "It's Always Sunny", Coors Light had the clever idea of holding a contest. The object was to create a commercial for the fictional bar in the show, Paddy's Pub. The rules were simple, make it 20 seconds or less, and submit the spot by November 10th, 2010. The commercials were graded on the following criteria:

1) Relevance to "It's Always Sunny"
2) Originality
3) Entertainment

So pretty much if you had the Green Man somewhere in your video, you had a shot at winning something. Seriously, almost every fucking entry I saw had the Green Man. To make matters worse, most of those commercials won something, which totally defeats the part about being original. You'd think some of these assholes would have some clever or at least half-funny ideas. Or that Coors Light would at least grade on originality.

Anyways, I wrote, directed, shot, and edited a spot for the contest. It was not anything special. And needless to say, I did not win. To make matters worse, I did not even win a consolation prize. Nor did my spot end up on the website for people to view and vote for. It was totally rejected.

That was my spot. Was in perfect? Fuck no. The ambient sound from the different shots were inconsistent. The recording of the slogan had some background noise in it. And it only had two things relating to the show (the brown-out joke and the dick towel). So I guess that's what was most important: even if you were too stupid and unoriginal to come up with anything entertaining, as long as you sucked the giant cock of "It's Always Sunny" by filling it was references to the Green Man, then you were set. And even though my spot was not perfect, it was much better than watching someone narrate over a still of the Liberty Bell, pretending to be the Liberty Bell, telling people to go to Paddy's Pub. Or using two Coors Light cans as puppets. Yes, these were actual videos that got a spot on the website.

What pisses me off is that Coors Light obviously had a big vagina when it came to obscenity and appropriateness. I'm only assuming so, because I found two other funny commercials on YouTube that also claimed to have gotten rejected.

Personally, I found this spot to be funnier than most of the shit commercials that were on the website. Here's another one that was rejected.

Brilliant. This one was my favorite. What is more hilarious than kids downing shots to sponsor a local bar?

So again, I'm not attacking Coors Light just because I lost. That's only part of the reason. The primary reason is because they sponsor "It's Always Sunny", a show on FX that always pushes the limits and redefines the term "edgy". This is only a show where the main characters took up smoking crack to get on welfare and showed a child shitfaced in the bar, Paddy's Pub. And this is what Coors Light sponsors. Forget the fact that their demographic is people over the age of 21 to begin with, so there is no reason why this company should be all about children and family values. Coors Light sponsors "It's Always Sunny" and then gets anal about what's appropriate when it promotes a competition. How does that make any sense? Fuck you, Coors Light.

On top of that, Coors Light made it clear that the spots had to be no more than 20 seconds in length. But then when you see the top ten commercials on the website (ten runner ups were rewarded with a Green Man costume), two of the commercials were over the 20 second limit. Well thank you Coors Light for allowing what I would assumed to have been disqualified submissions to win prizes. I wish I would have known that I could have gotten away with a 30 second spot, or else I would not have edited down my script to match the "required" twenty seconds.

Here's one of the commercials that not only made the cut, but won a prize.

Wow. This was not funny, horrible cut, had no call-to-action (probably the most important aspect in any commercial. It's what, you know, tells the customer to buy the said product or service that is being advertised), shitty acting and joke selling, and had some dumbass girl wearing a Patriots jersey when Paddy's Pub is in Philadelphia. But it was okay because it had the fucking Green Man costume. Maybe next time, I will submit a commercial of the Green Man giving two dalmatians a handjob for twenty seconds. I would be guaranteed to win something.