Stories from my Childhood - "The Lion King"

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Growing up, I had relatives on my mom's side of the family spread throughout the country. This meant that every summer, they would fly into Michigan for some sort of reunion. In 1997, when I was eleven years old, we went to the Detroit Zoo.

Important note before I proceed: A lot of relatives on my mom's side are stereotypical white-collar, upper class Americans. Some of them are pretty well off, and generally take interest in things like athletic clubs, sending their children to private school, Glen Beck, Jesus, and hating Barack Obama. If I recall correctly, my grandfather wanted to send my sister and I to a boarding school, which never happened. This point probably does not seem all that important, but trust me, it makes the story much funnier.

So everything was going smoothly on a nice, sunny summer afternoon at the zoo. It was my sister, my half brother, my aunt, my two uncles, my cousin, and my cousin's grandma from her father's side. At some point during the day, we walked by the lion exhibit, which reminded me of a hilarious joke that I heard in school earlier that year.

I announced to everyone that I had a joke, to which my aunt gathered everyone and said "Hey guys! Kirk has a joke for us!" As everyone in our party listened, as well as outsiders close by eavesdropped, I said loudly -

"What is the difference between the Lion King and OJ Simpson?"

Everybody: "What?"

"One is an African lion, the other is a lyin' African!"

As I recall, everyone laughed pretty hard. I was really proud of myself. My aunt took me aside and said something along the lines of "Hey Kirk, that was funny, but you should watch what you say in public, some people may take that kind of humor the wrong way." Well damn, had I went to a private school, I probably would not have befriended the degenerate that told me such awful jokes. Oh well.

We finished our day at the zoo, and my sister and I returned home to our single father . I'm pretty sure that I spent the remainder of the evening masturbating to the thought of the girls from "Save by the Bell" having sex with me. Best day of my life.

Even as a child, I ALWAYS dreamed of boning Kelly Kapowski


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