Cowher Rules Your Face
Bill Cowher is the ideal model of what a man should strive
to be. Just
look at him.
Nobody fucks with Bill Cowher
Would you fuck with a man who looks like that? I know what
thinking "but Kirk, looks don't kill lolz!" You're correct. Looks don't
kill at all. Bill Cowher, on the other hand, does.
When you think of badasses in history, you think of the elite heros
that inspired future generations of badass. For instance, take Luke
Skywalker. Bad-ass? Damn right. Who taught Luke? Obi-won Kenobi, who
was in turn taught by Yoda. Now, George Lucas never mentioned who
taught Yoda, but there is no doubt that it was Bill Cowher, the
inventor of the force (both the Dark Side and the Light Side*).
Why would George Lucas leave out such an important detail of the Star
Wars universe? Easy, probably because of libel. Bill Cowher would have
murdered Lucas with his bare hands, because lawsuits are for pussies.
In fact, everything that Bill Cowher doesn't do is for pussies. Here's
a list of things that Bill Cowher has never done, nor never will do:
- Pee sitting down
- Drink Starbucks Coffee
- Vote for a Democrat
- Purchase tampons
- Watch soccer on TV
- Play soccer
- Play Guitar Hero
- Shop at an organic
- Carry a purse
Bill Cowher almost put Big Ben out for the season with that friendly
I mentioned that Bill Cowher invented the force. What people
don't know is that Bill Cowher is a sharp guy, and has invented many
products that people in America (and only America, because America is
the greatest country in the Universe ever, because Bill Cowher lives
there) take for granted. I feel like people under-appreciate Bill
Cowher and what he has brought to the table. The following is just some
of the things Bill Cowher has invented:
- Red meat
- Hair gel (makes it easier
to spot douchebags)
- Green Tea
- Chest hair
Man Bill Cowher sure is awesome. If I ever have a son, I'm going to try
by damnest to make sure that he grows up to be like Bill Cowher. In
fact, I don't even pray to God anymore, I pray to Bill Cowher, because
God learned to write from Bill Cowher***.
*People often argue that Chuck Norris invented the force, and knows
both sides. Norris too was taught by Bill Cowher
**Bill Cowher hates communism, but invented it fore the soul purpose
of Hollywood making badass movies where America had a legitimate
adversary (Rambo, Red Dawn, Rocky 4, and even the James Bond movies).
***God dropped out of Cowher's English class early, which explains why
the Bible is so piss-poorly written. If Bill Cowher had a choice, he
would have had Bill Simmons write the Bible.
Bill Cowher while 50 Cent is playing in the background