Bill Cowher Rules Your Face

Home   E-mail

Bill Cowher is the ideal model of what a man should strive to be. Just look at him.

Nobody fucks with Bill Cowher

Would you fuck with a man who looks like that? I know what you're thinking "but Kirk, looks don't kill lolz!" You're correct. Looks don't kill at all. Bill Cowher, on the other hand, does.

When you think of badasses in history, you think of the elite heros that inspired future generations of badass. For instance, take Luke Skywalker. Bad-ass? Damn right. Who taught Luke? Obi-won Kenobi, who was in turn taught by Yoda. Now, George Lucas never mentioned who taught Yoda, but there is no doubt that it was Bill Cowher, the inventor of the force (both the Dark Side and the Light Side*).

Why would George Lucas leave out such an important detail of the Star Wars universe? Easy, probably because of libel. Bill Cowher would have murdered Lucas with his bare hands, because lawsuits are for pussies. In fact, everything that Bill Cowher doesn't do is for pussies. Here's a list of things that Bill Cowher has never done, nor never will do:

Bill Cowher almost put Big Ben out for the season with that friendly push

I mentioned that Bill Cowher invented the force. What people typically don't know is that Bill Cowher is a sharp guy, and has invented many products that people in America (and only America, because America is the greatest country in the Universe ever, because Bill Cowher lives there) take for granted. I feel like people under-appreciate Bill Cowher and what he has brought to the table. The following is just some of the things Bill Cowher has invented:

Man Bill Cowher sure is awesome. If I ever have a son, I'm going to try by damnest to make sure that he grows up to be like Bill Cowher. In fact, I don't even pray to God anymore, I pray to Bill Cowher, because God learned to write from Bill Cowher***.

*People often argue that Chuck Norris invented the force, and knows both sides. Norris too was taught by Bill Cowher
**Bill Cowher hates communism, but invented it fore the soul purpose of Hollywood making badass movies where America had a legitimate adversary (Rambo, Red Dawn, Rocky 4, and even the James Bond movies).
***God dropped out of Cowher's English class early, which explains why the Bible is so piss-poorly written. If Bill Cowher had a choice, he would have had Bill Simmons write the Bible.

Bill Cowher while 50 Cent is playing in the background