Andrew Jackson: Real American

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Andrew Jackson is our country's greatest President. Sometimes I have wet dreams about him throwing Osama Bin Laden into the sun while curb stomping vampires with his baseball spikes on. Afterward in the same dream, he is at a press conference to explain his actions to a bunch of stupid liberals in the media who are whining because he did not give anybody a "fair trial". All he does is give them the finger and leaves.

Andrew Jackson: REAL American.

Have you ever beat the game Contra for the Nintendo Entertainment System? Me either. I have never met someone that completed Contra. IGN ranks the game number one on a list of most difficult games to beat. It's primarily because Andrew Jackson is the end boss, making the game impossible to beat without the code.

In fact, some may argue that Teddy Roosevelt is a tougher President. I will use the videogame theory here as well. According to Wikipedia, Teddy Roosevelt was the boss in Sonic the Hedgehog (Dr. Robotnik's character was originally a mascot that Sega designed as Teddy Roosevelt wearing pajamas). So Roosevelt basically gets his ass kicked in every level of every Sonic game by some pussy hedgehog. How bad ass is your little Ruff Rider now? Not someone I want running my country.

I read in various history textbooks about the hardcore things that Andrew Jackson did in his career. And by read, I mean my cousin told me these things after he read a textbook. There were four events that stand out:

1) As general, he violated Presidential orders, stormed into Florida, defeated the Seminoles, executed the Spanish government there, and established Florida as a state in the Union. So next time you sobbing liberals go to Fort Lauderdale for Spring break, you can e-mail Andrew Jackson some thank you cards in Hell.
2) One time, he got challenged to a duel by some really badass gunman. Knowing he could not get the shot off first, Jackson stood sideways, took the first shot in his arm, lined his shot up, and killed the douche bag in cold blood.
3) As president, someone tried to assassinate him. Typically, a President would let all of his bi-curious bodyguards tackle him to the ground in hope that they all get erections in the process. Andrew Jackson? Fuck body guards. He chased that attempted assassin down and beat him with a cane.
4) After hearing about Evil Knievel, Jackson decided to jump the Grand Canyon to show the world how much of a pussy Knievel was. Jackson jumped the canyon with a razor scooter.

People often criticize Jackson for being "racist" and "oppressive" for his treatment of the Native Americans. What I don't understand is the double standard at play. For instance, when I talk about how great Andrew Jackson was, I get that uncomfortable response:

"Yeah... but he was a racist. Remember what he did to the Indians?"

So? EVERY PRESIDENT UNTIL BILL CLINTON WAS RACIST AND OPPRESSED THE INDIANS. Even Abraham Lincoln, the President that receives so much praise for abolishing slavery, wanted to send every black person back to Africa. Does that mean we are supposed to just forget about all of the great things that Lincoln did? Hell no. We should give Jackson the same treatment in my opinion.

Furthermore, when I talk about how badass other leaders were, such as Alexander the Great and Gengis Kahn, nobody ever questions it. The fact of the matter is that Alexander and Kahn eliminated multiple ethnic groups without thinking twice about it. In fact, Gengis Kahn would not only kill everybody in a village, but all of the horses, dogs, and rodents too. He spared no lives. Then he would take the leader of the village and execute him by forcing molten gold down his throat. Now THAT'S one oppressive mother fucker.

Alexander killed more races of people than Jackson killed people. Whenever I'm like "Man, I love Alexander the Great" nobody ever responds "Yeah, but what he did to those Thebians was awful." That's because Alexander killed all of the Thebians, thus there were no Thebians left to mourn for. My point is, at least Jackson had sympathy and let some Indians live. Fucking Gengis Kahn and Alexander practically made genocide a sport.

"But Kirk, what about Hitler? Didn't he too conquer and ethnic cleanse? Do you like Hitler too?"

No I do not like Hitler, primarily because Hitler was a total pussy. Oooo, he conquered Hungary and Poland. Big fucking deal! Hitler barely conquered shit. Hungary had roughly 134 people in their military after World War I. Hungary was not much of a military threat in Europe. Even Canada could take Hungary. Then to top it all off, Hitler got his ass forced back to Berlin by the Russians, who had been 0-26 in wars dating back to the 1600's. Seriously, how do you lose to Russia in anything that's not the Winter Olympics? They're the Los Angeles Clippers of Europe. After that, he offed himself like some 14 year-old goth chick. What a sissy.

Besides, Hitler wanted to kill Jews just to kill Jews, as opposed to greats like Jackson and Alexander who ethnically cleansed because it was necessary for conquest. I mean Hitler's hatred toward Jews goes without saying because of the whole Holocaust thing, but he REALLY hated the Jews. I read parts of Mein Kamf (which is really difficult by the way. Hitler was arguably a worse writer than he was a humanitarian), and half the things he said about Jews almost sounded like exaggerated jokes that would be told on Family Guy.

Andrew Jackson really only killed Indians because they were in the way. I mean come on, he really wanted some more land. My buddy is a history major at a prestigious school, and he told me of a conversation Jackson had with an Indian chief:

Jackson: Listen, you can have that land over there...
Chief: Really!?
Jackson: Yeah. For now. Then I'm gonna need it.
Chief: Don't you mean the United States is gonna need it?
Jackson: Yeah....Yeah what did I say?
Chief: You said you were gonna need it...
Jackson: Yeah you're right I'm gonna need it.

Jackson conquered and took no questions. Furthermore, the Seminoles were hired by the Spanish and British to attack the United States. Did you just want America to lay down as the Seminoles stormed our shopping malls and theme parks? Fuck no. Don't get me wrong, I am against genocide, and what Andrew Jackson did to Native Americans was wrong. But man, I really do enjoy a vacation in Miami Beach without having to worry about my head getting scalped.

Jackson had additionally planned to win the Mexican-American War, but he passed away before he could. I read one of Jackson's memoirs, and he said his plan was to dress up like Santa Clause and go to every Mexican home to deliver presents. He was going to hand every Mexican mom a Christmas card with an eviction notice inside, saying "Remember what I said about that land? Well, now I'm gonna need it". I love Andrew Jackson. He should be on every dollar bill.