Nobody is Impressed By Your Resolution

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New Year's resolutions are sort of like United Nations resolutions: It's a big deal when they're made, but nobody really ever follows through on them.

I could not help but notice last week that everyone on Facebook was getting all excited for 2011: As if 2011 is a guarantee to be better than 2010. People make promises and resolutions that will not matter in three weeks, and everyone celebrates the big new year coming up!


What is so fucking exciting about New Year's Day anyway? All that happens is the calendar changes. THAT'S IT. Which is actually annoying if you think about it. I have written countless checks that had to be voided because I dated a check on January 6th a year late because I wrote the previous year by force of habit. Then I have to write the check all over again. What an inconvenience. Someone ought to make the year longer, maybe add 12 new months and celebrate every two years. Then again, if Americans are too stupid to figure out the metric system, they would probably cut their wrists if twelve new months were added to the gregorian calendar.

January 1st is a pretty shitty time of year to begin with: Christmas ended a week ago, meaning you have to wait 51 more weeks to open presents again. It's cold as shit out (I know there are a handful a douche bags out there who like to snowboard and and the few who claim to "appreciate" a white Christmas, but I personally hate having to shovel six inches of snow off my sidewalk once a week and scrape ice off my car every fucking morning. If you ask me, the benefits do not outweigh the drawbacks), and if you're in school or college, you cannot enjoy your gifts for much longer because you have to go back to school. With all of that said, the new year always starts out really shitty.

Also, is every year really superior to the previous year? Unless you have a milestone birthday coming up or you're about to reach a tenure deadline, I don't see why everyone gets excited about a new year coming up. Nobody ever knows if the next year will be better than the last. For instance, look December 31st, 1941. Pearl Harbor just got fucked up three weeks ago, Europe is more chaotic than ever, and President Roosevelt declared war on Japan AND Germany. Are you to tell me that if you're an 18-25 yearold make that you're really looking forward to the new year knowing that you're about to get blown to limbs with six of your best friends? Me either. Unless your resolution is to drink beer and kill Nazis, which I'm sure is roughly .007146% of every New Year's resolution ever.

Which brings me to my next point: New Year's resolutions: Nobody gives a shit.

I think I am lied to more on New Year's than I am any other holiday because everybody tells me their stupid New Year's resolution as if they're really going to follow through on it. First of all, I don't really care that you're going to lose weight, quit smoking, quit drinking, run a marathon, save money, get a girlfriend/boyfriend, or whatever cliche resolution people try to brag about and never accomplish. Secondly, I wouldn't necessarily be impressed if you did. And lastly, if you really need the calendar to change by one digit in order to get motivated to get off your fat, lazy ass and do something with your life, then you're probably not going to accomplish anything anyways, so why bother?

People who need a new year to wake them up are pathetic. I remember one time I lost 40 lbs in one summer. Key word in that sentence: summer. I didn't procrastinate until December 31st to announce and everyone what my intentions were in effort to impress my peers, then quit in the middle of February because I was a total pussy. I said "you know what? This muffin top I have obtained is pretty gross. I think I will start a crash diet next week and run five miles a day". And if you're resolution is one of the other cliche resolutions I mentioned, let me tell you why you won't accomplish it....

Saving money.: If you have terrible spending habits and are a compulsive shopper, you cannot turn the switch off in one night. Especially if you're getting black out drunk. You will forget about your pointless resolution by the time summer rolls around and decide that you need 19 new bathing suits and have to spend extra time at the tanner to impress the opposite sex at the beach, which you will also have to pay to get into. Have fun being broke again in a year.

Quit Smoking.: As a great friend of mine once said: "Smoking is easy. I have done it 12 times". He probably stole this joke from a comedian or heard it on an episode of "The Office". Regardless, you'll be sucking down a pack of Pall Mall's when Valentine's Day rolls around and you still don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/fiance because you're a total sissy. Speaking of which….

Getting a boyfriend/girlfriend.: Nobody is attracted to you because you smoke Pall Mall's and you're a sissy. It's probably time that you come out of the closet, champ.

Quit Drinking.: Biggest oxymoron about New Year's: People will say that they're going to cut back on their alcohol intake while they're downing their third bottle of champagne. If you cannot put down the bottle for a shitty holiday, then you're probably never going to put it down.

Run a Marathon.: Running a marathon is stupid. I have been a runner for nine years, and every runner I know that has ran a marathon has never been the same afterward. It destroys your body and puts you out of commission for months. Personally, I like being able to run year round. I don't have the patience to stop running for long periods of times because I was an idiot who felt that running 26 miles non stop would somehow vindicate my life. What is so great about running a marathon anyway? Just to tell some assholes at a wedding that you did it in effort to look cool? Nobody cares that you ran a marathon. So take your 26.2 bumper sticker and shove it. If anything, I am less impressed that you ran a marathon, because chances are you are nothing more than an idiot that was looking for something to accomplish and did it in a shitty fashion (trained for three months just to get your ass kicked by 2000 other people and never buy a pair of running shoes again), and you don't really care that much about running in the first place.

That is only people who are dumb enough to actually run marathons. Most of the people who say they are going to never end up doing it because they're lazy and were too stupid to realize how much work and effort running a marathon takes. Training for a marathon is almost like taking up a second job: It's very time consuming and sucks all of the energy out of you. Which is why I stick to 5k's. It may be less work, but at the end of the day I have enough time to play videogames and have the energy to run some errands. And I also don't have to take weeks off after one lousy race to heal.

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